JOHN BULL'S
ADVENTURES
IN THE
FISCAL WONDERLAND
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
3t
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES IN
THE FISCAL WONDERLAND
THE TRIAL
f A*
JOHN BULL'S
ADVENTURES IN THE
FISCAL WONDERLAND
BY
CHARLES GEAKE
AND
F. CARRUTHERS GOULD
WITH FORTY-SIX ILLUSTRATIONS
BY F. C. G.
METHUEN & CO.
36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
LONDON
1904
:
..... .
■
• ••• • • •*
• • •
* • •
. . ^ »
PREFACE
OU R first word must be one of our sincere
and appreciative acknowledgments to the
Writer and Illustrator of the incomparable Alice
Books — to Lewis Carroll, the one man who,
i if he had only been alive, could have made
head or tail of Mr. Chamberlain's figures, and
to Sir John Tenniel, happily still in our midst,
even though each succeeding Wednesday no
longer brings with it an example of his genius.
It will be noticed that in the Fiscal Wonder-
i land one actor has to sustain more than one of
the characters of the Alice dramatis persona.
Mr. Balfour is not only Humpy Dumpy, but
also the March Hare ; Mr. Chamberlain is at
once the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire Cat, and
the Knave of the Trial. For this we make
no apology, since one man in his time plays
V )l 84> $
viii PREFACE
many parts, and in this fiscal controversy the
time has been as short as the parts have been
varied.
The Hatter's riddle (on page 62) as in-
vented had not an answer any more than
Lewis Carroll's orioinal working model, but
if an answer be desired, " Because neither can
be obtained from Birmingham " would seem to
have the merit of accuracy.
In writing and illustrating the Fiscal Wonder-
land, we do not pretend to having had no
settled convictions. But whilst these have
not been concealed, we venture to hope that
none of the combatants in the Big Fight will
find any cause of offence in this new version of
the old stories, so much of which now seems
only an intelligent anticipation of the present
political situation.
C. G.
F. C. G.
January, 1904.
CONTEXTS
CHAPTER I
THROUGH THE FISCAL GLASS
The Balfour Clock
The Fiscal Glass
The Vincent Parrakeet
The Chaplin Parrakeet
CHAPTER II
THE FISCAL PARADE GROUND
The Drummer and the Loaves
The White Knight of Sheffield
The Broken Drum
CHAPTER III
THE WHITE RABBIT EXPLAINS
The Rabbit looks at his Watch
The Pig sings .
The Rabbit gets excited
ILLUS.
PAGF. PAGE
I
3
5
6
7
17
1 1
18
21
CHAPTER IV
IX
DOWNING STREET .
• 24
7 he Lizards shoot out
25
The Lion and the Unicorn
27
Hugha, the Anglo-Saxon Messenger .
29
Prefferwensy . . . •
31
X
CONTENTS
CHAPTER V
HUMPY DUMPY
Humpy Dumpy on the Wall
Frefferwensy Explained .
" He whispered it in Austen's ear"
CHAPTER VI
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B .
The Two Heroes
The Vanishing Cat
The Chaplin and the Missioner
" ' The time has come,'' the Chaplin said"
' ' They'd dolled, every one "
CHAPTER VII
THE MAD TEA-PARTY .
Tea on the Terrace
The Hatter sings
The Dormouse and the Teapot
CHAPTER VIII
"IT'S MY OWN INVENTION" .
The Red and White Knights Fight .
The White Knight of Sheffield
The White Knight in the Ditch
"7 shook him well from side to side"
CHAPTER IX
A CHANCLERITLLAR GIVES ADVICE
The Chanclerpillar and John
Father Joseph stands on his Head
Father Joseph turns a Somersault
Father Joseph clears the Platter
Father Joseph balances Statistics
ILLUS.
PAGE PAGE
33
46
60
75
96
34
38
43
47
50
52
54
56
61
68
74
78
83
87
93
97
101
102
i°3
104
CONTENTS
XI
CHAPTER X
ILLUS.
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT
PAGE PAGE
I07
The Big Fight Sandwichmen
The Secretary- Bird
The Treasury Box
The White Rabbit rides in
10S
109
n8
The Mad Hatter fights Tweedle-R. .
. " I came off better than ever"
122
125
The General Melee
129
CHAPTER XI
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES?
The Trial
The White Rabbit as Herald
131
l'rontispiece
133
CHAPTER XII
JOHN BULL'S EVIDENCE
The Leg of Mutton
The Hatter goes to Prison .
The Hatter in Prison
143
145
150
151
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES IN
THE FISCAL WONDERLAND
CHAPTER I
THROUGH THE FISCAL GLASS
JOHN BULL sat in an easy-chair before
the fireplace, but he was not by any means
at ease. He had been reading the Blue Books
of the War Commission, and his muttered
comments as he turned over page after page
of imbecilities branded in type were, like the
covers, dark blue.
At last he flung the books down impatiently
and threw himself back in his chair.
"Good heavens!" he exclaimed, "it's a
wonder I even muddled through." And then
he said bang words which were not very
respectful to distinguished statesmen.
j;
2 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" Two hundred and fifty millions of money
it has cost me ! " he growled, and then he
becran to think what he could have done with
all that money if he had not had to spend it.
All sorts of fanciful ideas crossed and re-
crossed his mind, until the tangled web made
him drowsy, and the Blue Books faded into
grey and vanished.
#M. M. M. M.
TV *7V* TT TV"
He was aroused by a sound as of someone
tapping at a window, and he opened his eyes
and sat up. In front of him on the mantel-
shelf was a large pier-glass, with a clock in the
middle of the shelf, and a stuffed parrakeet
under a glass case on either side. It was
these objects that first attracted his attention,
for they seemed to have changed in some
magic way.
The face of the clock had turned into Mr.
Arthur Balfour's, and the heads of the two
parrakeets into those of Mr. Henry Chaplin
and Sir Howard Vincent. John rubbed his
eyes and looked again. But there could be
no doubt about it, for the Howard Vincent
.THROUGH THE FISCAL GLASS 3
bird every now and then uttered the loud
"Yah-yah" so familiar to the House of
Commons, and the other had an eyeglass
firmly fixed in the left eye.
THE BALFOUR CLOCK
-There was something strange, too, about the
pier-glass.
Across it sprawled large white figures in the
form of a sum in addition —
2 + 2 = 3
The last figure certainly was 3 when John
4 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
first noticed it, but presently it began to flicker,
and then it appeared as 5, only to waver back
again to 3. John watched this singular ap-
parition with a sort of fascination, expecting
each moment to see the correct result figured.
But no, the sum went on alternating be-
tween 3 and 5, with never a 4. John began
to get annoyed.
" Hang it ! Why can't you get your sum
right ? " he exclaimed.
Of course the glass could not tell him, for
fortunately mirrors can't speak what they
think.
But the clock began to strike, and it struck
six ; at least John tried to believe so, but the
strokes seemed to him to have the sound of
spoken words, and the words were —
No — set — tied — con — vie — turns.
And the parrakeet on the left shouted " Yah-
yah."
"No settled convictions!" John snorted
contemptuously. " More like previous ones,"
and he glanced at the Blue Books.
The ridiculous addition sum went on working
THROUGH THE FISCAL GLASS
o
itself out wrong until John jumped up from his
chair in a rage, picked up one of the books
from the floor and flunof it at the o-lass.
■'
THE FISCAL GLASS
To his astonishment neither was there any
smash of broken glass, nor did the book re-
«
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
bound : it just went noiselessly through and
disappeared, apparently on the other side.
" There can't be any glass there at all," he
thought ; "it must be an open space."
THE VINCENT PARRAKEET
And yet the silly sum was there still.
" I must look into this business," John said
to himself; "there's something weird going on."
So he looked round the room to find some
THROUGH THE FISCAL GLASS 7
way of clambering on to the mantelshelf.
There was a pile of the Encyclopedia Brit-
annica in one corner ; he had bought them
9^^
THE CHAPLIN PARRAKEET
because it was the only way he could stop
the dumping of circulars and samples into his
letter-box.
8 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
"Wisdom whilst you wait," he said, with a
smile. " I'm glad I got them, after all" ; and
he proceeded to pile the volumes one upon
another. " I'm glad Moberly Bell can't see
me, or he'd use it as another advertisement,"
he thought, as he put on his hat — for he didn't
know where he might be going — climbed
the massive pile, and clambered on to the
mantelshelf, to the manifest delight of the
two parrakeets under the glass shades. The
pier-glass offered no resistance ; like the one
in Alice's adventures, it melted away in a
bright silvery mist, and the next moment
John was through on the other side.
CHAPTER II
THE FISCAL PARADE GROUND
JOHN found himself in a large, square, level
space enclosed by high walls, on which in
gigantic letters the word "tariffs" was painted
at intervals all round, and the tops of the walls
were prickly with spikes and broken glass.
" It looks like a parade ground," John said.
And so it evidently was, for in the middle of
the square a battalion of very queer-looking
soldiers was drawn up in close military forma-
tion.
No wonder they looked queer, for when
John got a little nearer to them he found they
were all large quartern loaves, drawn up as if
to be drilled or inspected.
There was no band ; only a very big drum,
and that was being vigorously banged by a
portly drummer, who marched backward and
forward in front of the column, thumping the
9
10 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
drum part of " Rule Britannia." He wore a
splendid, very early' nineteenth-century uni-
form, with a tremendously tall shako, orna-
mented with a towering red, white, and blue
plume.
John was watching this strange parade, when
he heard a stentorian " Shun ! " from some-
where behind him, accompanied by a loud,
metallic clanging and jangling noise.
" This must be the colonel or the inspecting
officer," he thought.
He looked round and saw a sort of mediaeval
White Knight, encased in a complete suit of
tinplate armour which looked like riveted steel
boiler-plates. He was jogging along towards
the battalion in front of him on a white horse.
" I know that Knight ; he comes from
Sheffield," John remarked to himself.
There was nothing remarkable in the fact
of this recognition, for the words " Made in
Sheffield " were printed on his breastplate.
From the pommel and the cantle of the saddle
dangled a queer collection of things of various
kinds, like samples of an ironmonger's stock.
" Shun ! " shouted the Knight, as he pulled
HE DRUMMER AND THE LOAVES
12 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
up his horse in front of the regiment of loaves.
" Shun ! Roval salute ! Present arms ! "
The big drummer changed his percussive
tune to fit the National Anthem, and the
Knight of Sheffield sat rigidly upright and stiff,
with his right gauntlet raised to his helmet
in salute.
But the quartern loaves never moved a
crumb and stood stolidly still.
Then the drummer stopped his banging,
and the Knight shouted, "Pro — lection!'
No sooner was the word out of his mouth
than the loaves all began to shrink in a weird
and mysterious way, as if they were in a
haunted farm, getting smaller and smaller.
"As you were!" shouted the Knight ex-
citedly.
Immediately the loaves resumed their nor-
mal size.
The Knight glared sternly at them.
" At the last sound of the word ' Protection '
let me see every loaf pull itself together, throw
its chest out, and look as big as possible.
"Now, then," he went on, "all together.
Pro — tection ! "
THE FISCAL PARADE GROUND 13
The loaves immediately began to dwindle
ain.
" As you were ! ' the Knight yelled, as he
again
_| k /\jy-,A V'L4^- •- I'-t-kA.K* .'-. .*>! .* >^" {
TAK I FF5
A^'.ulKI UvillL.^^.
THE WHITE KNIGHT OF SHEFFIELD
galumphed up and down. " This won't do
• at all ! Where's your discipline ?
" Now then, once more," he shouted, when
he had cooled down a little. " We'll try it
14 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
again. I want you to look bigger, and not
smaller at the word of command."
" Pi'o — tec — Hon ! "
The loaves instantly began to shrink as
before, and if the Knight of Sheffield had not
had the presence of mind to shout " As you
were ! " just in time, they might have dis-
appeared altogether.
The Knight was terribly angry, and presently
he called up the big drummer, and the two
talked together in a very excited manner.
When the conversation was ended the Knight
turned to the regiment again and gave another
word of command.
"The loaves will advance in price! Quick
march ! "
This time the loaves seemed as if they were
going to obey, only instead of advancing at the
quick step they started at the double and
rushed straight towards the officer yelling
" Yah-yah ! " as they swept forward.
"Halt! halt!" the Knight shouted, but it
was unheeded ; the loaves had got thoroughly
out of hand, and raced on in an irresistible
wave.
THE FISCAL PARADE GROUND
15
The Knight gazed for a moment in speech-
less furv at the threatening mass of loaves, and
then he hastily pulled his horse's head round
and rode off clattering- as fast as he could q-et
his horse to lay its legs to the ground, all the
THE BROKEN DRUM
ironmongery stock banging and clanging as
they went.
" At any rate, I'm leading them ! " he shouted
to John Bull as he galloped past with the
loaves yelling at his heels.
In a moment they were out of sight, leaving
16 JOHN BULL/S ADVENTURES
nothing behind but the big drummer, who had
been knocked over in the charge, and who was
sitting on the ground beside his broken drum,
ruefully trying to get his battered shako into
shape again.
CHAPTER III
THE WHITE RABBIT EXPLAINS
"FA EAR me!" said John Bull, "this is a
**-* curious sort of place ; I wish I could
find someone to tell me something about it."
He had hardly wished when a little White
Rabbit — at least, it looked like a White Rabbit
— ran hastily past him.
"Hi! hi!" John shouted; "stop a minute.
Could you kindly tell me— — "
" Oh, please don't stop me ! " cried the Rabbit,
reluctantly turning round. " I'm so busy, and
I'm late already." It took a large turnip watch
out of its pocket and looked anxiously at it.
" What's the name of this queer place ? "
John asked.
"It's Tariff-land," said the White Rabbit ;
" and it isn't a queer place ; it's very beautiful."
" But why has it grot higfh walls all round ? "
John wanted to know.
C 17
18
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
"Oh!" said the White Rabbit eagerly,
"that's Mr. Joseph's own invention. It's to
stop Dumping, you know."
" Dumping ! What is that ? " John asked.
THE RABBIT LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
" It's a lot of nasty, horrid foreigners trying
to sell us things we want cheaper than we want
to pay for them," said the White Rabbit.
"That's a funny idea," John remarked.
" Your country won't get very fat on that."
THE WHITE RABBIT EXPLAINS 19
" Not get fat ? " the White Rabbit exclaimed
indignantly. "You should just see our Pio;s ;
they're beautiful ! "
I HE PIG SINGS
"But what do they get fat on?" John
asked.
"Maize!" said the White Rabbit proudly.
20 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" Mr. Joseph lets the maize come in because
the Pigs like it. There's one com in or along
now," he went on. " Isn't he splendid ! " And
the White Rabbit pointed to an extremely fat
Pief waddling; across the enclosure. " Would
you like to hear the Pig sing ? "
John Bull said he would, so the White
Rabbit beckoned the Pip; towards them. " Sing
your ' Beautiful Maize ' song to this gentleman,
will you, old fellow ? "
The Pig sighed, and said he had a bad cold,
but he would try. Then he struck an attitude
and began to sing in a very throaty voice —
Beautiful Maize ! that looks like gold,
Loveliest cereal ever sold !
Who wouldn't live on it all his days ?
Maize of the morning, beautiful Maize !
Maize of the morning, beautiful Maize !
Beau-ootiful Ma-aize !
Beau-ootiful Ma-aize !
Ma-aize of the mo-mo-morning,
Beautiful, beautiful Maize!
Beautiful Bacon ! who can feel
Fond of mutton, beef, or veal ?
Who would not fly, the world forsaken,
In order to save his beautiful Bacon ?
In order to save his beautiful Bacon ?
.. THE WHITE RABBIT EXPLAINS 21
Beau-ootiful Ma-aize !
Beau-ootiful Ba-acon !
Ma-aize of the mo-mo-morning,
Beautiful, beauti-FUL Bacon !
When the Pig had finished, John thanked
him politely, and the Pig waddled off.
THE RABBIT GETS EXCITED
" By-the-by." said John to the White
Rabbit, "you spoke of Mr. Joseph just now.
Do you mean Joe "
The White Rabbit gave a little scream of
horror, and stamped its feet angrily.
22 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" You shut up ! " it cried ; " I won't have it !
You mustn't speak of him like that ! If you
were in Birmingham they would know how to
treat you. My Mr. Joseph is a Great States-
man ! " and the White Rabbit glared very
fiercely at John and shook its umbrella at
him.
" I didn't mean to speak disrespectfully of
him," John said. "Where is he now? Does
he live here ? "
" He's playing at a Cabinet card-party," the
White Rabbit whispered mysteriously, "and
I'm just going to see them shoot out of the
chimney."
" What do you mean by going to see them
shoot out of the chimney? Who are ' them'? "
"The others, of coarse," said the White
Rabbit, " the ones Mr. Joseph is playing
acrainst."
" Curiouser and curiouser," said John Bull
to himself — just as Alice did once. " But
what game are they playing ? Whist ? "
"It isn't exactly Whist," the White Rabbit
replied ; " it's a sort of Whist, but that's not
the name of it."
THE WHITE RABBIT EXPLAINS 23
" Is it Poker?" John asked.
"Yes, that's it," the White Rabbit said,
"Red Hot Poker!"
"•Rather a warm sort of game," John re-
marked ; " but how do you know the others
are going to get the worst of it ? "
o o o
"Oh! they're sure to," the White Rabbit
said eagerly. " Mr. Joseph always shuffles the
cards."
The White Rabbit looked at its watch
again. " Mv goodness gracious ! " it exclaimed,
" you've kept me so long I shan't get there in
time," and off it ran.
John hurried after it, for he didn't want to
lose sight of his guide. And as he followed
the White Rabbit it struck him that another
strange thing had happened. He had actually
shrunk in size until he was no bigger than the
Rabbit.
"It's very awkward," he thought, "but I
may as well see it through now I'm here."
CHAPTER IV
IN DOWNING STREET
HTHE White Rabbit ran so fast that it was
-*- as much as John could do to keep it in
sight, and at last, when it turned sharply round
a corner, it disappeared altogether.
John followed as quickly as he could and
found himself at the end of a narrow street.
He looked up to see if he could find the name.
It was Downing Street, but he noticed some-
thing else as well, for suddenly, out of a chim-
ney a little way along the street, popped a large
lizard, followed immediately by another.
There was a loud noise as if a crowd of
people were watching sky-rockets let off, and
shouts of " Here they come ! "
The two lizards whizzed up very high in the
air, and then curved gracefully away and dis-
appeared.
Nothing was to be seen of the White Rabbit,
24
1|Wl'r
1 ill; LIZARDS HOOI <">r I
26 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
but presently John heard the sounds of the
running- feet of a crowd and a tremendous
shouting and screams of "He's out! He's
loose!" A Lion and a Unicorn came running
along, hotly arguing with each other. John
Bull was not accustomed to see Lions and
Unicorns in his daily walks, and he ought to
have been startled ; but there was something
about this queer place which prevented him
from being surprised at anything. So he
called out to the two strange creatures —
" Excuse me, gentlemen, could you kindly
tell me what it is that has got loose ? "
" It's a very large, fierce, ramping, raging,
tearing Dog ! " said the Lion breathlessly.
" I beg your pardon," said the Unicorn
scornfully, "your eyesight must be defective.
It was a gentleman in a large hat; the — er —
Mad Hatter, in feet ! "
The Lion snorted angrily. " I tell you it
was a Dog ! " he insisted.
The Unicorn sniffed contempt. "It was the
Hatter ! " he declared.
" But I made a sketch of it," exclaimed the
Lion, "and here it is. Now is that a Hatter?"
IN DOWNING STREET
%
he askecl, triumphantly flourishing a drawing
of a Dog with an eyeglass and in violent
action.
"Wait a moment," said the Unicorn. "Is
that a Dog ? " and he produced and waved
~ZM
TIIK I. ION AND THE UNICORN
before John's eyes a sketch of an unmistakable
Mad Hatter.
" I'll ficrht you for a crown ! " said the Lion.
and then without another word the Lion and
the Unicorn dropped their drawings, and began
to rotate round each other in fighting attitudes.
A crowd quickly gathered, but John kept
28 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
clear of the ring, for he thought it extremely
silly to fight about the matter. But he could
see in the middle of the crowd the rough head
of the Lion and the horn of the Unicorn whirl-
ing- round and round faster and faster. It struck
John as another strange thing that he could see
so well, for only a few minutes before he had
been no bigger than the White Rabbit, so he
came to the conclusion that he had acquired the
property of sliding in and out like a telescope.
And he had not been long- in the Fiscal Wonder-
land before he found that this was exactly what
had happened.
"They're at it again!" said a gentle voice
by his side.
John looked round and saw a slim figure
standing in a stained-glass, Anglo-Saxon atti-
tude. "Pardon me," said John, "but your
figure is familiar to me. Have I met you
before ? "
"Very likely," was the answer. "My name
is Hugha, and I am an Anglo-Saxon messenger.
Permit me to give you a tract," and he took
a pamphlet out of a large bag which he carried
IN DOWNING STREET
29
on his left side, labelled " Free Food League,"
handed it to John, and hurried away round
the nearest corner.
lll'GHA, THE ANGLO-SAXON MESSENGER
John took it. and saw at a glance that it was
poetry of some kind, but it seemed to be printed
in some strange characters.
30 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
It began like this —
'dpvjJjno sfjvq Duio} ?i[i puy
sdavojit.i3j.wnb 31/ 7 3.t3ai /Csutiiu // y
: 3pvAf 3i[j no 3/;s/.a puv y.tp pi(j
S3d03 /Ctumtuq 3i[} puv 'Stffvut svazJrl
ASKHAUFFI.IHUJ
John puzzled over it, but for a time could
make nothing either of the lano-uaoe or the
lettering.
" It's an upside-down sort of a place," he
muttered to himself. " I'll try it that way."
It was a happy thought, for, after all, it was
only printed upside down, and this was the
poem — D
1 Urefferwensy
'Twas maffig, and the brummy coves
Did cirk and eristic on the trade ;
All mimsy were the quarternloaves,
. 1 nd the tome balfs outplade.
" Beware the Prefferwense, my son !
The taxes that retaliate !
Beware the Joejoe bird and shun
The jnbions Seventy date /"
He took his Cobden club in hand,
Long time the bunkome foe he sought,
So rested lie by the Brumbrum tree,
A nd stood awhile and thought.
PKEl'KERWENSY
32 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
And as in loafish thought he stood,
The Prefferwense, with eye of flame,
Came piffling through the fiscey wood
And shibb oiled as it came.
One, two ! And through the '72
The Cobden club went snicker-snack !
He left it dead and with its head
Went rollickeering back.
" And hast thou slain the Prefferwense ?
Come to my arms, my gladdish boy !
O dumpless day ! Loaffooh ! Loaffay ! "
He chortled in his joy.
' Tzvas maffig, and the brummy coves
Did cirk and cristle on the trade ;
All mimsy were the quarternloaves,
A nd the tome balfs outplade.
" It's funny," he said when he had finished
it, " but it's rather hard to understand. I seem
to recognise some of it, and it's evident that
something- dangerous has oot loose and has to
be knocked on the head."
He turned round to see if he could find any-
one to explain the meaning of some of the
words, but everybody had vanished.
" I'd better see if I can o-et back through
that glass and into my armchair again," he said,
and he walked away down the street the way
he had come.
CHAPTER V
HUMPY DUMPY
JOHN BULL had not gone very far when
he heard a voice hailing him. He looked
round and saw a queer-looking figure perched
on a wall. At first he thought it was an eo-o-
but as he went nearer it orew larger and
o o
larger, and more and more human, and he saw
that it had eyes and a nose and mouth.
" It must be Humpy Dumpy ; it can't be any-
body else ! " he said to himself
Humpy Dumpy was sitting on the top of a
high wall ; such a narrow one that John
wondered how he could keep his balance.
John couldn't help repeating to himself —
Humpy Dumpy sat on a wall;
Humpy Dumpy had a great fall ;
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had considerable difficulty in putting Humpy
Dumpy in his place again.
D j3
34
JOHN BULi:S ADVENTURES
"That last line's too long!" said Humpy
Dumpy crossly ; " it isn't poetry."
HUMPY DUMPY ON THE WALL
" It mayn't be
poetry," said John,
" but it's a fact all
the same."
" You're rude,;'
said Humpy Dumpy.
" I don't like your
methods ; they're so
ClifTordish ! "
" How did you get
up there on that wall?"
John asked, to change the conversation.
HUMPY DUMPY 35
Humpy Dumpy looked puzzled. " I suppose
I must have played on to it," he said.
"Then you're what they call bunkered,"
John remarked.
"No, I'm not," Humpy Dumpy replied
indignantly.
" But you would be if you fell ofl," John said.
" Fall off! " Humpy Dumpy exclaimed, with
a look of surprise. " Why, if ever I did fall
off — which there's no chance of — but if I
did " Here he pursed up his lips and
looked so solemn and mysterious that John
could hardly help laughing. "//"I did fall,"
he went on, 'Joe has promised me — ah, you
may turn pale, if you like ! You didn't think
I was going to say that, did you ? — Joe has
promised me — with his very own mouth — to —
to
"To be loyal to you," John interrupted
rather unwisely.
" Now I declare that's too bad ! " Humpy
Dumpy cried, breaking into a sudden passion.
1 You've been listening at Cabinet doors — and
behind trees — and down chimneys — and peep-
36 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
ing into envelopes — or you couldn't have known
it!"
" I haven't, indeed ! " John said soothingly.
" It's all been in the papers."
"Ah well! They may put such things in
the papers. I never read them," Humpy
Dumpy said loftily. "Now take a good look
at me," he went on. " I'm a Leader, and I
mean to lead ; maybe you'll never see such
another, and to show you I'm not proud — you
may buy my little book, price one shilling —
but you mustn't on any account quote more
than a thousand words from it," and he smiled
sweetly as he leant forward (and as nearly as
possible fell off the wall in doing so) and offered
John the book.
"I don't want it," said John, "and even if
I did, I shouldn't think of paying a shilling
for it."
Humpy Dumpy looked pained.
" It's an imputation on my personal honour,"
he said.
" Nonsense ! " said John.
" Your insularity is something shocking,"
said Humpy Dumpy very severely.
HUMPY DUMPY 37
"Would you tell me, please," said John,
" what that means ? "
" You'd have found it in my little book if you
had only bought it, as I wanted you to, but I
don't mind telling you. I meant by ' insularity '
that if you go on as you are doing now, and
don't do as other people do, you'll do for your-
self."
"You seem very clever at using words, sir,"
said John; "perhaps you could help me to
understand what some mean. Would you
kindly tell me the meaning of the poem ' Preffer-
wensy ' ?"
" Let's hear it," said Humpy Dumpy. " I've
never found a poem yet I couldn't under-
stand."
That sounded promising, so John repeated
the first verse —
' Twas maffig, and the brummy coves
Did cirk and cristle on the trade ;
All mimsy were the quartemloaves,
A nd the tome balfs outplade.
'That'll do for a start," Humpy Dumpy
interrupted ; " there are plenty of hard words
to begin on. ' Maffig ' means eleven o'clock at
V II 8 & £
38
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
night — the time when you maffick and tickle
each other with teasers and peacock's feathers."
PREFFERWENSY EXPLAINED
"That's quite plain," said John; "and
' brummy ' ? "
HFMPY DUMPY 39
"Well, 'brwnmy' means 'brum and rummy.'
4 Brum ' is just short for Brummagem. It's a
portmanteau word — the sort that Lewis Carroll
invented."
" I see it now," said John thoughtfully.
" And what are ' coves ' ? "
"Well, 'coves' are something like dodgers —
they're something like Tories — and they're
something like turncoats."
" They must be very curious creatures."
" So they are," said Humpy Dumpy ; "also
they make their nests in Government offices ;
also they live on orchids."
"And what are to ' cirk ' and to ' cristle ' ? "
"To ' cirk' is to go round and round in a
circle till you don't know where you are. To
'cristle' is to make crystals like a wanklyn."
"And the ' trade' V
"Oh, the less said about the 'trade' the
better," said Humpy Dumpy.
" Isn't it a thing with a yoke that you feel ? '
said John, moved to make a suggestion.
"Of course it is. Well, then, ' mimsy,' as
everybody knows, means ' flimsy and miser-
able.' And a ' quartcrnloave' is a comic-
40 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
looking thing, something like a double crinoline
— with a big dimple on top."
"And then ' tome balfs'V said John.
" Though that sounds dreadfully difficult."
"It is, rather. A 'da//' is a sort of child,
rather like me ; but ' tome ' is a real puzzler.
I think it must be ' not at home ' — meaning
that they were unsettled down in their convic-
tions, you know."
"Yes, I think I do know," said John, looking
as if he remembered. "And what does ' out-
p/ade' mean ? "
" Well, ' outplaying ' means playing out and
out and never getting home. However, you'll
see it done maybe — down on the links yonder
— and when you've once seen it you'll be quite
content. Wherever did you get hold of all
that hard stuff?"
" I read that in a book," said John. " But
I heard some poetry recited that was a good
deal easier."
"As to poetry, you know," said Humpy
Dumpy, "/ can repeat poetry if I'm really
put to it "
"Oh, I shouldn't like to put you to anything,"
HUMPY DUMPY 41
said John, though he felt that he was in for
another recitation.
" The piece I am going to repeat," he
went on, " was written entirely for my own
amusement."
John thought that in that case it was very
hard lines he should have to listen to it, but
rather than offend Humpy Dumpy, he sat
down and said, "Thank you," looking a little
apprehensive.
In Downing Street, when it is night,
I troll this song for sheer delight.
"I don't really troll it," he explained, "be-
cause of the policemen."
In Scotland when the links are green,
I'll try and tell you what I mean.
"Thank you very much," said John, "but
you ought to know my handicap is thirty-six."
"All the better," said Humpy Dumpy, as he
proceeded.
In Parliament, next Walter Long,
I sometimes sing this simple song.
In autumn, when were out of town,
■ Take pen and ink and write this down.
42 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" Of course, if you sing it in Parliament,"
said John, "I can read it in the papers."
" Oh, I never read the papers," said Humpy
Dumpy rather testily; "they're not sensible,
and they put me out."
/ only sent him private word,
" / think so, though it seems absurd."
I sent a summons to the rest,
Their clothes were just their second best.
They sat around and talked away,
It seemed the best part of a day.
" It seems to be quite simple so far," said
John, rather pleased at understanding so much.
" Oh, it gets harder all right later on,"
Humpy Dumpy replied.
He told them once, he told them twice.
They would not listen to advice.
The only thing I dared to say
Was " Better let him have his way."
They only answered, with a grin,
" Why, what a temper you are in /"
He said to them, he said it plain,
" Then I shall not be here again."
He said it very loud and clear,
He whispered it in A us ten's ear.
HUMPY DUMPY 43
I felt the letter large and new,
Fit for the deed I had to do.
My heart went thump, my heart went hop,
He signalled me to let it stop.
"HE WHISPERED IT IN AUSTENS EAR''
So no one knew of it because
I left the letter where it was.
Then someone came to me and said,
" Against this game we four are dead'.'
44 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
/ said, "Just see the other three,
And bring their answers back to me."
Humpy Dumpy spoke in a whisper as he re-
peated the verse, and John thought, with a
shudder, " I wouldn't have been the messenger
for anything."
He brought them, I did not /orget
To send them on to the " Gazette!'
I showed the letter large and new,
It did the trick I wanted to.
I spoke at length, and all agreed
That only I was fit to lead.
But he was riled (Dukes often are)
And said, "You shouldn't go so far."
A nd he (Dukes often are) was riled;
He said, " I thought you were a child "
He took a form from off the shelf,
And went and wired it off himselj.
A nd when I found he'd bolted too,
I made no end of a to-do.
A nd he who wrote the letter said,
" If only / had known instead "
There was a long, painful pause.
" Is that all ? " John timidly asked.
"That's all for the present," said Humpy
Dumpy. "Good-bye."
HUMPY DUMPY 45
This was rather sudden, but John thought
it would be rude to stay after this strong hint.
So having thanked Humpy Dumpy for all the
poetry, John took the only path there seemed
to be, and wondered what he should do when
the roads divided. But whenever they did
there were sure to be two finger-posts pointing
the same way, one marked "to tweedle-r.'s
tabernacle," and the other " to the taber-
nacle OF TWEE-C.-B."
"I do believe," John said at last, "that they
must be living- now in the same tabernacle.
But from what they told me I never thought
that possible."
Just as he said that he turned a corner, and
there were two little men. This was all so
sudden that John gave a start, but he pulled
himself together, for he felt now that they
must be
CHAPTER VI
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B.
' I ^HEY were standing under a tree, with
-■■ their arms lovingly entwined about each
other's neck, and John Bull had no difficulty at
all in knowing which was which, because one of
them had " R." embroidered on his collar, and
the other "C.-B."
They stood stock still, and John quite forgot,
in the excitement of the moment, that they
were alive. He was just looking to see whether
the rest of their names was written at the backs
of their collars, when all at once a voice came
from the one marked " R."
"If you think we're enemies," he said, "you're
not up to date, you know. The Education
Act wasn't passed for nothing, nohow ! "
"Contrariwise," added the one marked
" C.-B.," " if you think we're friends, you ought
to speak."
46
. TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C-B.
47
"I'm sure I'm very sorry," said John.
That, indeed, was all he could think of to
say, for when he looked at the two little men
THE TWO HEROES
the words of the old song kept running through
his head like the paddle-wheel of a steamer,
and he actually found himself saying them out
loud —
48 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
Tweedle-R. and Twee-C.-B.
Were fighting, very nearly ;
For Twee-C.-B. said Tweedle-R.
Had made his pitch play queerly.
Just then they saw a grinning cat,
As big as a beer barrel,
Which frightened both the heroes that
They swore no more to quarrel.
" I hear everything you're saying," said
Tweedle-R. ; "and so it is, anyhow."
"Similarly," continued Twee-C.-B., "as it
was, so it had to be ; and as it might have
been, it hadn't any need to be ; but as it is,
it is. That's logic."
John thought this was much too puzzling,
so he thought he would ask them how they
had made it up.
"Please," said John very politely, "every-
body was quile certain you could never be
friends any more."
"We couldn't," said Tweedle-R., "that was
exactly what I said."
" But we are, you see," said Twee-C.-B.
rather quickly and (so John thought) ner-
vouslv.
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 49
" You couldn't, but you are" said John ;
" I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Well, you see," said Tweedle-R., "it's like
this. If some mornino- at breakfast someone
wanted you to go to bed and sleep, you'd say, ' I
couldn't,' but if they came and looked at you
after supper they'd find you sleeping and say,
' You are.' "
John thought this rather far-fetched, but he
didn't say so ; indeed he didn't say anything,
for all at once Twee-C.-B., who seemed to
have been turning something over in his mind,
said, "All the same, I don't think you need
have thrown the olive branch at me."
" I don't think you should have asked me
the question," retorted Tweedle-R., taking
away his arm from off Twee-C.-B. 's neck.
"You're too touchy," said Twee-C.-B., who
by this time had also taken away his arm.
John was very frightened at this, because he
was afraid that all the old trouble would begin
over again. But suddenly they both put their
arms round each other's neck again, looking
very scared.
E
50
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" The Cat," they said together in a frightened
voice.
John followed the direction of their eyes,
and there up in a tree was a large Cat grinning
at them all.
No one said a word, and as they looked
THE VANISHING CAT
it vanished quite slowly, till nothing but the
grin remained. At last even that went too.
" I hope you're not very much frightened?"
said John by way of saying something.
" Nohow. And thank you for not running
away," said Tweedle-R.
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 51
" Thank you very much," added Twee-C.-B.
" You like poetry ? "
"Ye — es," said John, " I like some kinds of
poetry. But can you tell me which is my way
out of the wood ? "
""What shall I recite to him?" said Twee-
C.-B., looking round to Tweedle-R., who stood
there with great solemn eyes, neither paying
any heed to John's questions.
"' The Chaplin and the Afissioner' is the
longest," Tweedle-R. replied.
Twee-C.-B. began instantly —
The sun was sJiining
Here John made a last desperate attempt.
" If it's more than four verses," he said,
" would you tell me first which road "
Twee-C.-B. only smiled and began again —
The sun was dumping on the sea,
Dumping with all his might.
He did his best to rule the waves,
And rule them nice and bright ;
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had really got no right to dump
After the day was done.
52 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" It's not legitimate" she said,
" To come and spoil my fun!'
The C. was cute as cute could be,
The speeches dry as dry;
You could not see the reason, since
There was no reason why :
No facts were flying overhead-
There were no facts to fly.
The Chaplin and the Missioner
Were walking glove in hand ;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand :
" If this were only tilled with wheat"
They said, " it WOULD be grand ! "
THE CHAPLIN AND THE MISSIONER
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 53
" If Seddon with a seven-bob tax
Worked it for half a year,
Do yon suppose" the Chaplin said,
" That he could make bread dear ? "
" I guess so" said the Missioner,
A nd raised a British cheer.
" 0 Toilers, come and walk with us ! "
The Chaplin did beseech.
" A simple plan, a pleasant walk,
A trampling on the Beach :
We cannot do with more than four
To keep an eye on each"
The eldest Toiler looked at him,
But never a word said he.
The eldest Toiler winked his eye
A nd breathed a silent D,
Meaning to say he'd had enough
Of such sinipliciiy.
But four young Toilers hurried tip,
A 11 eager for the plan ;
They'd paid a guinea for their hats,
Their clothes were spick and span —
A nd this was odd because, you know,
Each was a working-man.
Four other Toilers followed them,
And yet another four ;
And thick and fast they came at last,
A fid more and more and more —
So great a demonstration
Was never seen before.
54
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
The Chaplin and the Missioner
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they settled on a scheme
Conveniently lozv :
A nd all the little Toilers stood
A nd listened in a row.
''THE TIME HAS COME,' THE CHAPLIN SAID"
" The time has come" the Chaplin said,
" To talk of many things,
Of watches — wire — and Waltham clocks,
Of pearlies — dolls — and rings,
A nd why you take it lying down,
And whether trusts have wings''
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 55
" But wait a bit',' the Toilers cried,
" Before we have our chat,
For listening is uncommon dry,
And all of us are fat."
"No hurry," said the Missioner ;
They thanked him much for that.
" A tax on bread" the Chaplin said —
" Ttvo shillings, shall we say ?
Mutton and beef and eggs and cheese
Contribute in their way.
Now if you're ready, Toilers dear,
You can begin to pay."
" The foreigner, not US ! " they cried,
Turning a little blue ;
" After your pledge, to pay would be
A dismal thing to do."
" The Empire 's fine" the Chaplin said,
" Do you admire the view ?
" // was so kind of you to come,
You looked so green and nice."
The Missioner said nothing but,
" They re deaf to your advice;
I wish you would not perorate —
I've had to stop you twice."
" It seems a shame" the Chaplin said,
" To play them such a trick,
After we've led tliem on so far
And talked to them so quick!'
The Missioner said nothing but,
" We've piled it on too thick."
56
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" I beg of you" the Chaplin said,
" Don't act contrariwise!'
With hums and hahs he blurted out
Words of the largest size,
Showing his pocket-handkerchief
Before their wondering eyes.
THEYD BOLTED, EVERY ONE
" O Toilers" said the Missioner,
" You've had a pleasant run !
Wont you be giving me your votes ? "
But answer came there none —
A nd this was scarcely odd, because
They'd bolted, every one !
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 57
" I like the Chaplin best," said John, "be-
cause, you see, he was a little sorry for the
trick they played on the poor Toilers."
"It was his idea in the first place, though,"
said Twee-C.-B. " He'll be waiting for years
and" years and years for someone daring enough
to play the trick."
"How shameful ! " John said indignantly.
" Then I like the Missioner best — if he was
only persuaded into it by the Chaplin."
" But he wasn't," said Tweedle-R. "He
wasn't the sort of person to be persuaded into
anything he didn't want to do."
This seemed to make it a case of dishonours
easy. After a little, John began, "Well, they
were both very unpleasant characters "
He had oot thus far when all of a sudden
Tweedle-R. and Twee-C.-B. took hold of each
other's hands and took to their heels. John
was puzzled at this, till he looked up, and there
in the tree was the Cat once more.
John's first impulse was to run away too,
but on second thoughts it seemed silly to be
so frightened, so he thought he would speak
to it.
58 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
"Saucy Puss" — he began timidly, as he did
not know whether it was this breed of Cat ;
however, it only grinned, and did not seem
offended — "would you tell me, please, where I
ought to go from here ? "
" It all depends," said the Cat, "on whether
you're a Tariff Reformer."
" I think," said John, though he didn't see
what the Cat was driving at, "that I'm a Free
Trader."
" Then it would take Mr. Seddon to say
where you're sure to go," said the Cat.
John felt it would be dangerous to ask to
have this explained, so he began on another
tack. " What sort of people live about here?"
"In that direction," the Cat said, waving its
right paw round, " lives a Hatter, and in that
direction," waving the other, " lives a March
Hare. Visit either you like, they're sure to be
found together, and they're both mad."
" But I'd rather not visit either if they're
both mad," said John.
"Oh, you can't help that here!" said the Cat;
"it's a mad world, you know — Shakespeare
said so, you know, and he lived in my county.
TWEEDLE-R. AND TWEE-C.-B. 59
I'm mad — Ritchie made me mad. You're
mad ! "
"What makes you think I'm mad?" said
John.
" You must be mad," said the Cat, "or you
wouldn't continue to go about unprotected."
John knew there was some meaning in this,
but he didn't know what it was, so saying
"Good day, Puss," very politely, he walked off
in the direction where the March Hare was
said to live. In a very little while he came
to what looked like a palace with a large
tower with a clock in it. Policemen touched
their hats to him, the traffic stopped to let him
get across the street. John felt sure that this
must be the March Hare's house, but he was
very disturbed at the thought that it might be
mad. "Perhaps after all I ought to have gone
to the Hatter's, though, to be sure, the Cat said
I should find them both together."
CHAPTER VII
THE MAD TEA-PARTY
^HERE was a table set out on a terrace
^ in front of the House, and the March
Hare and the Mad Hatter were having- tea at
it ; a Dormouse was sitting between them fast
asleep, quite unmindful of the conversation of
the other two.
"How horrid for the Dormouse!" thought
John Bull to himself; "only, as it seems to be
asleep, I suppose it doesn't understand what the
other two are saying."
The table was an enormous one, but the
three were all at one corner of it. " No trade !
No trade ! " cried the Hatter inconsequently
when he saw John coining. " There's plenty
of trade," said John indignantly, although he
thought it all a curious kind of welcome and
he sat down in a comfortable armchair at one
end of the table.
60
THE MAD TEA-PARTY
61
"Have some jam?" said the March Hare,
looking- for approval to the Hatter.
John looked all round the table to see how
many sorts of jam there were, but couldn't see
TEA ON THE TERRACE
any of any sort. " I don't see any jam," he
said.
" There isn't any," said the March Hare.
"They're all making sugar!" shouted the
Mad Hatter.
"Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer
jam," said John, mightily offended.
62 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" Oh ! you needn't look for manners here,"
said the Dormouse, suddenly waking up, only
to relapse at once into sleep.
" If you come to that," said the March
Hare, " I should like to know who asked you
to take the armchair ? "
"I beg your pardon," said John, "but I
thought it was meant for me."
"You're practically stagnant," said the Hatter.
He had been studying John for some time, and
said this with an air of «reat deliberation.
"You'd get on a good deal better," said
John, "if you weren't so personal. But there,
I suppose you can't help it."
The Hatter put up his eyeglass and made as
though he would hit back ; but all he did was
to say, " Why is a pearl button like an Old Age
Pension ? "
"Come, we shall have some sport now,"
thought John. "They told me that he was
always asking conundrums, and they're quite
right. I believe I could guess that," he added
aloud.
" Do you mean that that isn't unanswer-
able ? " said the March Hare.
THE MAD TEA-PARTY 63
" Well, if you must put it in that round-
about way, yes."
" Then you should say what you mean," the
March Hare said, with all the air and mien of a
leader.
<l-I always do," said John, feeling, however,
considerably flustered. " At all events, I mean
what I say — which is pretty much the same
thing."
" Not a bit the same thing," said the Hatter.
" You might as well say that ' I hit what I see '
is the same as ' I see what I hit.'
" You might just as well say," added the
March Hare, "that 'I think what I like' is
the same thing as ' I like what I think.' '
"You might just as well say," added the
Dormouse, talking in his sleep, " that ' I know
when I resign ' is the same as ' I resign when
I know.' "
Here both the March Hare and the Hatter
sat on the Dormouse, and the party sat silent
for a little, whilst John thought over all he could
remember about pearl buttons (which was not
much) and Old Age Pensions (which was a
good deal).
64 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
The Hatter was the first to speak. " What
year is it?" he said, turning'to John; he had
taken his watch out of his pocket and was
looking at it very thoughtfully, as if he were
trying to find out where it was made.
John considered a little, and then said, "Well,
not 1872."
" I told you cooking wouldn't suit the statis-
tics," said the March Hare.
" I did the cooking myself," said the Hatter.
" Yes, but too many cooks spoil the argu-
ment," said the March Hare. " I always say
right off what comes in my head first."
The Hatter kept on gloomily looking at the
watch ; then he pulled out the mainspring to
see if it would tell the year any better ; but all
he did was to murmur sadly, " The sea voyage
across the Atlantic didn't suit it ; it ought to
have been made at Prescot."
John had been looking at the watch with
some curiosity. " What an odd sort of a
watch ! ' he said ; "all the years are marked
on it, but the hands always point to 1872."
" Why shouldn't they ? " said the Hatter
rather crossly. " Doesn't your watch ever point
to that year ? "
THE MAD TEA-PARTY Go
" Of course it did," John replied very readily ;
" but it doesn't point to that year for such a
lono- time together."
"Well, mine does," said the Hatter.
"Though any other year would do," the
March Hare reminded the Hatter.
" Exactly what I said myself," he said.
John felt dreadfully puzzled. They seemed
to be talking- in quotations, though he didn't
know where from. " I don't quite understand,"
he said as politely as he could.
" The Dormouse is asleep again," said the
Hatter, and he poured a little hot tea upon its
nose.
The Dormouse yawned impatiently, and said
without opening its eyes, " Of course, of
course ; I told him he needn't post the letter
unless he wanted to."
"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" the
Hatter said, turning to John again.
" No ; I give it up," John replied. " What's
the answer ? "
" That's exactly what I want to find out
myself," said the Hatter.
" I was convinced I knew once," said the
F
66 JOHN BULI/S ADVENTURES
March Hare, "but now my convictions are so
unsettled that I haven't the slightest idea."
" Don't you know any easy riddles that have
got answers?" said John a little plaintively.
" I know one," said the Hatter. " Why am
I called a Whole Hoo-aer ? "
John smiled ; it did seem such an easy one.
"Because," he said very hopefully, "you
want to go it, I suppose."
" I knew he'd say that," said the March
Hare triumphantly.
" Isn't it right ? " said John gloomily.
"Of course not," said the Hatter. "The
real answer is, ' Because I won't tax bacon.'
" I know an easy riddle, too," said the March
Hare. "What is a Little Enolander ? "
"That's a question, not a riddle," said John,
who was o-ettino- tired of being; trifled with.
"Well, anyhow, you don't know the answer,"
said the March Hare.
"What is it?" said John.
" Why, a person who thinks too much of
England, of course," said the Hatter.
"You might let me answer my own riddles
myself," said the March Hare rather peevishly.
THE MAD TEA-PARTY 67
John sighed deep and long. " I think you
might spend the time of the House better,"
he said, " than in wasting it on foolish
riddles."
" That's because you don't know Time," said
the Hatter. "If you only know Time and
keep on good terms with him you can do almost
what you like with him. For instance, two or
three years ago we just whispered to him the
War was over, and in a twinkling it was time
for a General Election ! "
"That must be very convenient," said John,
looking for once as if he knew all about what
was being told him.
"We quarrelled last March," said the
Hatter, "just before Ritchie made me and him
mad, you know " (pointing with a long tea-
spoon to the March Hare). "It was at a
great Pow-Wow in Downing Street, and I
had to sincr —
Dwindle, dwindle, British trade !
By the foreigner betrayed !
You know the song, perhaps ? "
" I know something like it," said John.
68
JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
"It goes on, you know," the Hatter con-
tinued, in this way —
With the tariff walls so high
Dozvji to zero point you fly.
Dwindle, dwindle
**~*Jcf
THE HATTER SINUS
Here the Dormouse began to murmur,
"Dwindle, dwindle, dwindle," and wouldn't
stop till the March Hare gave it a sharp rap
with a letter.
• "Well, Id hardly finished the first verse,"
THE MAD TEA-PARTY 69
said the Hatter, "when the whistle went and
they all shouted ' Time ! Time ! ' "
" He must have been cross," said John.
"And ever since then," the Hatter said
mournfullv, "he won't do a thinor I ask. It's
always 1872 now."
The Hatter looked so worried that John
thought it prudent to change the subject.
"Why are so many tea-things put out here ?"
he asked.
" Well, you see," said the March Hare,
" there used to be such a lot more to have
>>
tea.
" But the cups look as if they were used,"
said John.
"So they are," said the March Hare ; "but
it's always tea-time because it's always after-
noon, and there's too much dirty linen to wash
to worry over cups.'"
'Then you keep moving round, I suppose,'
said John.
' Suppose we change the subject," said the
March Hare, who was getting very bored. " I
vote the gentleman tells us a story."
" So do I," said the Hatter. " I'd tell one
70 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
myself if I could. But I can't, try how I
will."
"Well, I am surprised," said John, plucking
up courage to say so much.
" Don't be personal," said the Hatter.
" We're waiting for your story."
" Please," said John, who was afraid he had
offended the Hatter, " 1 don't know one."
" Then the Dormouse shall ! " they both
cried. " Wake up, my Harty," they cried,
using its pet name and squeezing it on both
sides at once.
The Dormouse slowly opened its eyes. " I
wasn't asleep at all," he said. " I heard every
word you fellows said."
" Tell us a story," said the March Hare.
" And be quick about it," said the Hatter,
" or I shall have to hurry off to my Committee
before you've done."
"Once upon a time there were three little
brothers," the Dormouse began in a great
hurry, "and their names were Ritchie, Georgie,
and Burlie ; and they lived at the bottom of a
well "
THE MAD TEA-PARTY 71
"What did they live on? "said John, who
always liked hearing about good living.
"They lived on freefood," said the Dor-
mouse, after pondering for a few seconds.
"They couldn't have done that, you know,"
said the Hatter ; " it would have made them
sick.
"That's just what they were," said the Dor-
mouse, " very sick."
John could make nothing at all out of it, but
he said, " Why did they live at the bottom of
a well ? "
" Take some more tea," said the March
Hare, with an air of intense settled conviction.
" It's the best Indian," said the Hatter
proudly.
" Why, I didn't know you knew so much
geography," said John.
"Who's arguing like a lawyer now ?" said
the Hatter triumphantly.
John did wish that they would not talk in
inverted commas ; so he helped himself to
some tea and bread and butter — every slice of
which had "Grown in Canada" stamped on it
in red — and then turned to the Dormouse and
72 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
repeated his question. " Why did they live at
the bottom of a well ? "
The Dormouse yawned two or three times
and then said, " Because Truth lived there."
" There's no such thing," the Hatter
shrieked, but the March Hare went "Sh! Sh!"
and the Dormouse sulkily remarked, "If you
can't be civil I shall go to sleep again ; I could
easily."
" No, please go on," said John. So the
Dormouse continued, " And so these three
little brothers — they were learning to draw,
you know "
" What did they draw ? " said John eagerly.
" Salaries," said the Hatter before the Dor-
mouse had time to answer.
The Dormouse was so angry at being in-
terrupted that he began to go to sleep, but
before even he had time to get off the Hatter
said, " I want a clean cup ; let's move one
place on."
They all moved on one place, but the Hatter
was the only one who reaped any advantage
from the change ; and John was a good deal
worse off, as the March Hare had covered
THE MAD TEA-PARTY 73
the tablecloth with illegible notes and horrible
O
drawing's of imaginary islands.
"They were learning to draw," the Dor-
mouse suddenly resumed, though in a very
sleepy voice; "and they drew all manner of
things — everything that ended in ION "
"Why with ION? "said John.
"Why not?" said the March Hare, who
loved these rhetorical questions as much as
John disliked them.
By this time the Dormouse was nearly
asleep ; but on being squeezed by the Hatter
it woke up again and went on, " — ■ — that ends
in ION, such as addition, and subtraction, and
bullion, and superstition, and opposition, and
resignation — did you ever see a drawing of a
resignation ? "
" I got the w/Z/zdrawing of a resignation
once," said the March Hare, looking at the
Hatter.
This piece of rudeness to the Dormouse
was more than John could bear ; he got up
in great disgust and walked off; the Dormouse
fell asleep, and the last time he saw his hosts
the March Hare and the Hatter were trying
74
JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
to cram the Dormouse up into the Protection
teapot.
"At any rate, I'll never o-o there aoain,"
said John, as he picked his way through
Parliament Street. "It's the maddest tea-
party I was ever at in my life."
THE DORMOUSE AND THE TEAPOT
CHAPTER VIII
"IT'S MY OWN INVENTION"
JOHN walked and walked through the streets
till he came to roads and at last into real
country. After a while he came to a field with
a large gate upon which was written " Shef
Field," whilst near by was a notice saying
"To the Caucus Race." He went alone a
little path till he came to a clump of trees, and
as it was a hot day he sat clown for a while
and wondered if he should ever eet back to
his own country — for, as his friends told him,
he was a great Little Englander.
At this moment his thoughts were suddenly
interrupted by a loud shouting of " Ahoy !
Ahoy! Check!" and a Knight, dressed in
crimson armour, came swooping down upon
him, brandishing a Free Food League. (John
had by this time discovered that Clubs were
sometimes called Leagues when they had any-
75
76 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
thing- to do with Sections.) Just as he reached
him the horse stopped suddenly. " I've got
you," the Knight cried, as he tumbled off his
horse.
John wondered at this strange move, because
when he saw "GORST" embroidered on the
trappings he recognised the Knight as an
ex-School Attendance Officer. Whilst he was
wondering if it all meant he had to go to school
in the Fiscal Wonderland, the Red Knight
had picked himself up and got into the saddle
again. " IVe got " he began again, but
here another voice broke in, " Yah-yah ! Yah-
yah ! " and John looked round to see who the
new enemy might be.
This time it was the White Knight, whom
John recognised as having met before on the
parade ground when he was driven off the
field by the mutinous loaves. He came up
to John's side, exactly as the Red Knight
had done, and tumbled off too, exactly in the
same way. Then he got on his horse again,
and the two Knights sat and glared at each
other without speaking, John growing more
and more bewildered all the time as to what
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION" 77
they wanted him for and what they would do
to him when thev had got him.
" He's mine — you know," the Red Knight
said at last.
"He was until / came and rescued him ! '
the White Knight replied.
"Well, we must fight for him, then," said
the Red Knight, as he took up his helmet
(which hung from his saddle and looked to be
a very odd kind) and put it on.
"You will observe the Rules of Arithmetic,
of course ? " the Red Knight added, as he put
on his helmet.
"It all depends," said the White Knight;
and they began banging away at each other
with so much noise that John got behind a
tree so as to escape all chance of getting hit.
" These Rules seem to be very odd," said
John to himself, as he looked on at the fight ;
"one Rule seems to be that if one Knight
makes a motion the other makes an exactly
contrary one : if one becomes motionless, the
other does so too. And when either makes
a good point, his horse stamps the ground as
if he were cheering at a political meeting."
78
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
After a prodigious amount of noisy buffeting
about they both became motionless, embraced
each other, and then the Red Knight galloped
■ off.
THE RED AND WHITE KNIGHTS FIGHT
" It was a glorious victory, wasn't it?" said
the White Knight, as he got off his horse and
came up breathing heavily.
" I don't know," said John doubtfully. " I
don't want to be had by anybody. I want to
be myself."
"IT'S MY OWN INVENTION" 79
"So you will," said the White Knight, "if
you come on for a bit with me. This field is
where I come from, and I can show you all the
paths about here."
"Thank you very much," said John.
" Wouldn't you be more comfortable with your
helmet off?" It was a great strugo'le to get it
off, but John managed it at last.
" Now one can breathe more easily," said
the Knight. John was much relieved at this,
because he had been rather frightened at the
White Knight's voice, which seemed to go
right through him.
John Bull thought he had never seen such a
weird-looking soldier since the Yeomanry left
for South Africa. He was dressed in tinplate
armour, and he had a queer little sieve fastened
across his shoulders upside down. John looked
at it with great curiosity.
" Oh, you're admiring my little sieve," said,
or rather shouted the Knight, for he always
spoke in high tones. " It's my own invention
— to keep prison-made goods out. You see, I
carry it upside down, so that the foreigner
can t get in.
80 JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
" But the things can get through" John
gently remarked. " Do you know it's full of
little brushes ?"
,: I didn't know it," said the Knight, looking
very crestfallen. " Then all these brushes
must have eot through ! and the sieve is no
good if they do that." He unfastened it as he
spoke, and was just going to throw it into the
ditch when a happy thought seemed to strike
him, and he hung it with great care on to a tree.
" I wonder if you can guess why I do that?"
he said to John, who had not, however, an
idea.
"In hopes that someone may take a brush —
then I should show them up in the papers."
"Are these the papers you mean?" said
John, pointing to the horse's shoulder, where
there was a bundle of sheets with curious little
red marks all over them.
" No, those are maps," said the Knight,
"with all the Kino-'s dominions marked in
o
1 "
red.
" I was wondering what the red meant,"
said John. "It isn't very likely, though, you'd
want a map if you're only out for a ride."
.."ITS MY OWN INVENTION" 81
"Not very likely," said the Knight, "but if
the worst comes, I shouldn't like to find myself
in a foreign country."
"You see," he said, after a pause, "it's as
well to be provided for everything; that's the
reason the horse has anklets round his feet."
" But what are they for? " John asked.
"To guard against dumps," the Knight
replied. " It's an invention of my own."
" And what's in that bag ? " said John, point-
ing to what looked like a very heavy bag slung
on to the saddle.
" That's full of arf-a-bricks," said the Knight.
" What are they for ? " said John.
" Why, to heave at the foreigners, of course,"
said the Knight, much surprised at John's not
knowing such a simple thing as that. " Come,"
he added, " I'll go with you to the end of the
field."
And so they set off together, the Knight on
his horse with John walking rather apprehen-
sively at his side.
" I hope you know how to keep your hair
on," said the Knight, as they went on their
way.
<;
82 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
"Oh, nothing more than usual," said John,
amused at the Knight's anxiety.
"That's hardly enough," he said; "the
wind's so very strong here — there are always
so many people trying to raise it, you know."
" Have you invented any plan for keeping
one's hair on ? " John inquired.
" Not at present," said the Knight. " But
I've got a plan for making it stand up on end."
"That sounds very interesting," said John.
" I should like to hear about that."
"You take a leaflet, one of my own in-
vention," said the Knight, "and read how
many millions' worth of manufactured goods
come in from abroad each year. Then you
multiply by 20 to turn it into shillings, next
you divide by 52 to reduce it to weeks, and
then you divide again by 30 to reduce it to
workmen. Then you think of all the work-
men who haven't got the work, and of all the
foreigners who have, and your hair is standing
up as straight as the Queen's Westminsters.
You can try it if you like. It's my own
invention."
" Dear me," said John, " I had heard of
«//
. . . .
I UK WHITE KNIGHT OK SHEFFIELD
84 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
that, but I thought it was Mr. Chamberlain's
idea."
"He got it from me," said the White Knight
in a whisper (it wasn't much of a whisper, but
it was the best he could do). "He gets most
of his best ideas from me."
Whosesoever idea it was, John did not think
much of it, and for a few minutes they went
on in silence, John every now and again
stopping to help the poor Knight, who cer-
tainly was not a good rider.
Whenever the horse stopped (which it did
very often) he fell off in front; and whenever
it went on (which it always did very un-
expectedly) he fell off behind. Sometimes he
fell off sideways, generally on the side on which
John was walking, so that John kept a good
distance, though he never got out of earshot.
" I'm afraid you've not had much practice in
riding," said John, anxious to make the best
excuse for this on-and-off sort of performance.
The Knight looked sadly at John and said,
" That's just it. Unmounted men preferred,
you know, and they wouldn't let me go to the
front."
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION" 85
John thought that if the Knight had gone he
would have been unmounted, but what he said
was, "It was very good of you to want to go."
" Oh, I wanted to go right enough," said the
Knight. "I volunteered all over the place, but
all they could be got to say was ' Thank you."
" I'm sorry you were so disappointed," said
John.
There was a short silence after this ; then
the Knight began again. " I'm a great hand at
inventing things. Here's a thing I invented."
As he spoke he pointed to a Big Revolver.
" I invented that," he said, speaking as
though he were telling a great secret, " to
frighten alien immigrants from landing."
"I thought," said John Bull, "that the Big
Revolver was Lord Lansdowne's idea, and that
he wanted it to frighten Ambassadors with."
"He borrowed the idea from me," said the
Knight ; " they all get their best ideas from
me," he went on, with pardonable pride.
"What's that ? ,; said John, pointing to a
weird-looking contrivance, upon the handle
of which the Knight's hand rested.
" It's my own invention," said the Knight.
86 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
When John looked at it it turned out to be an
immense rubber stamp. It had an enormous
handle, whilst on the end was this curious-
looking lettering" —
Yl/l/UVIfl30 l/ll 30AIVI
" Whenever," said the Knight, " I see any-
thing not made in this country — apples and
oysters and plums, in fact anything — I always
stamp it with this."
"You must be kept very busy," said John ;
" but perhaps when once they find out where
the things come from, they never get any
more."
A sad look came into the Knight's eyes.
"That's exactly what 1 had hoped would
happen when I first invented it. But the
disappointing thing is that they only sent
for more, because, you see, when they saw
' made in germanv, ' they knew where to send
for them."
"Is that how it reads?" said John, who
wondered what the words really were.
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION
87
Here a splendid idea struck the Knight.
He would stamp the top of John's hat just to
show him how the stamp worked. He grasped
the handle in some excitement, and instantly
^c
THE WHITE KNIGHT IN THE DITCH
rolled out of the saddle and fell headlong into
a deep ditch.
John ran to the side of the ditch, much
frightened. He could see nothing of the
Knight except the soles of his feet, but he was
much relieved to hear him saying, " Yah-yah !
88 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
Yah-yah!" in quite his usual tone. "I want
to ofet it altered to ' made abroad,' so that
they wouldn't know where to send," he said,
" but they're always too busy to get the words
changed."
" How can you go on talking so loudly, head
downwards?" said John, as he pulled him out
by the feet and landed him on the bank.
The Knight looked surprised at this ques-
tion. "What difference does it make where
my body is?" he said. "My mind goes on
working just the same. In fact, when I'm
head downwards I invent more than ever.
" Now the cleverest thing I ever did," he
said, when he had recovered his breath a little,
" was inventing a new Tariff during the dinner-
hour."
"In time to have it working by the next day?"
said John. "Well, that was quick work indeed."
"Well, not the next day," said the Knight,
considering ; "no, certainly not the next day"
" Then I suppose it must have been the next
month ? "
"Well, not the next month," the Knight re-
peated as before, "not the next month. In
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION " 89
fact," he went on whispering" with all his might,
" I don't believe that Tariff ever was working.
In fact, I don't believe that Tariff ever will be
working ! And yet it was a very clever Tariff
to invent."
"What did you mean it to be made of?"
John said, thinking" it might cheer him up to
talk about it.
"It began with ten per cent.," answered the
Knight, with a groan.
"That wasn't very high, I'm afraid "
"Not very high at first," he interrupted,
"but you've no idea how soon it would have
got higher. And here I must leave you."
John could only look dazed; he was thinking
of all the inventions — the sieve, the maps, the
anklets, the 'arf-a-bricks, the revolver, the
rubber stamp, the Tariff.
"You are sad," said the Knight in an anxious
tone ; " let me sing you a song to comfort you."
" Is it very long?" John said, who was begin-
ning to get shy of recited poems.
"It is long," said the Knight, "but it's very
beautiful. The name of the song is called Old
Age Pensions."
90 JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?"
John said, feeling his way.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight
said. "That's what the name is called. The
name really is ' The Aged, Aged Afan."
"Well, what is the song?" said John, com-
pletely bewildered.
"The song," said the Knight, "really is
1 A -silling on a Fence,' and the tune's my own
invention."
So saying, he stopped his horse, and, having
shouted " 'Tention ! " began beating time with
one hand, and with a fond smile lighting up his
curious features.
"After all, the tune isnt his own invention,"
John said to himself; "it's k I give thee all,
I can no more' He stood and listened very
attentively.
77/ tell thee everything there is ;
It hasn't got much sense.
I saw an aged, aged man
A -sitting on a fence.
" Who are you, aged man ? " I said,
" And why is it you wait ? "
And his answer trickled through my head,
Like water off a plate.
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION" 91
He said, " I lovely orchids take
That grow among the wheat.
They make a tasty squeezed sponge-cake,
I sell them in the street :
I sell them unto men" he said,
"Who want to be M.Pls,
And that's the way I beg my bread —
A trifle, if you please"
But I teas thinking of a plan
Of dyeing butter green,
A nd putting on so small a tax
That it could not be seen.
So, having no reply to give
To what the old man said,
I cried, " Come, tell me how you live ! "
A nd shook him by the head.
His accents mild took up the tale;
He said, " I go my ways,
And when I see Free Traders meet
I set them in a blaze ;
A nd then they talk both loud and tall,
And say, ' The great man gains]
Yet twopence-halfpenny is all
They give me for my pains."
But I was thinking of a way
On foreigners to batten,
A nd so contrive from day to day
On export trade to fatten.
92 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
/ shook him ivell from side to side,
Until his face xvas blue ;
" Come, tell me how you live" I cried,
" And what it is you do."
He said, " / hunt for pickle-jars
Among the maize so bright,
And turn them into nice pearl buttons
In the silent night.
And these I do not sell for pence,
Or coin of silvery hue,
But for a golden sovereign,
And that will purchase two.
" / sometimes fisJi for cups of tea
With bait my own invention ;
I sometimes search at Highbury
To find my Old Age Pension.
And that's the way (he heaved a sigh)
By which I get my wealth ;
And now since Pm so precious dry
Pll dri7ik your Honour's health"
1 heard him then as I was tryi?ig
To frame a method plain,
To keep the L.C.C. from buying
Their tramline rails in Spain.
I thanked him much for telling me
The way he got his wealth,
But chiefly for his zvish that he
Might drink my noble health.
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION"
A nd tioiv if e'er by chance I stick
My fingers in the ink,
Or when the fogs so very thick
I cannot sleep a wink,
Or if I shout out loudly " No"
When on ly "Aye" is sense,
93
I SHOOK HIM WELL FROM SIDE TO SIDE
/ weep, for it reminds me so
Of that old man with speech so slow,
Who seemed distracted with his woe
Because he did not, could not know,
Although he wandered to and fro,
94 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
A nd searched the country high and lotu,
Precisely where he ought to go
To find the Old Age Pension show —
That snmnier evening long ago,
A -sitting on the fence.
As the Knight sang the last words of the
hymn he turned his horse's head along the
road by which they had come. " You've only
a few yards to go," he said. " But you'll see
me off first?" he added. "It won't take me
long. You'll wave your handkerchief to me
when I get to that turn of the road? It will
make me feel less lonely."
" Of course I will," said John; "and thank
you very much for your company — and for the
song. I liked it very much."
"I hope you did," said the Knight, "but
I'm dreadfully afraid you won't remember it."
John was perfectly sure he wouldn't, but he
thought it unnecessary to sadden the Knight by
saying he wouldn't, so they shook hands, and
then the Knight rode away back along the
path to the Shef Field gate. As it proved,
he was quite right ; it did not take long to see
him off. "There he goes," said John, "right
"ITS MY OWN INVENTION' 95
off his head, as usual!" He went on talking
to himself till the White Knight was com-
pletely out of sight ; then he turned to go on his
way to find to his great surprise the funniest
little old gentleman sitting on what looked like
an enormous mushroom.
CHAPTER IX
A CHANCLERPILLAR GIVES ADVICE
r I AHE Chanclerpillar and John Bull looked
*- at each other for some time without a
word passing ; at last the Chanclerpillar took
the cigar out of its mouth and asked him very
deliberately, "How are you?"
This seemed rather like a cross-examination.
John replied rather shyly, " I — hardly know,
sir, just at present — at least, I know how I feel
myself, but everybody I meet has a different
opinion as to how I feel."
"That won't do, you know," said the
Chanclerpillar in the judgiest of intonations.
" Explain yourself."
" I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir," said
John, "because if I believe what I'm told I'm
beside myself, you see."
" I don't see at all," said the Chanclerpillar,
96
A' CHANCLERPILLAR GIVES ADVICE 97
"and unless you stick to the point I shall
move that you be no longer heard."
THE CHANCLERPILLAR AXD JOHN
" I wish I could put it more clearly," John
said; "but I'm quite as much at sea as you
are, for when everybody knows how you feel
better than you yourself it's dreadfully be-
wildering."
H
98 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" It isn't," snapped out the Chanclerpillar,
who seemed ready to deny any proposition.
"Well, perhaps you don't find it so now,"
said John; "but when you've got off that
comfortable seat — you will some day, you
know "
" I shan't," said the Chanclerpillar. " I
always feel just as well and young as ever."
"Well, perhaps," suggested John, "they're
afraid to tell you how you ought to feel."
"Not a bit," said the Chanclerpillar; "but
whatever they say, I just go on sitting here,
making myself comfortable."
"Well, perhaps you haven't got any feel-
ings," said John ; "but all I know is it all has
a very different effect upon me."
" You ! " almost snorted the Chanclerpillar.
" Who are you f"
This seemed like getting back to just where
they started. John did not like this style of
cross-examining question, so, drawing himself
to his full height, he said, with rather an
injured air, " I think it's your turn now to
answer a question. Who are you ? "
The Chanclerpillar seemed on the point of
A CHANCLERPILLAR GIVES ADVICE 99
answering with a question, but what it did
say was, " I am what I have been."
John thought this so unfriendly that he
turned away to go.
" Come back," shouted the Chanclerpillar,
" I'm ready to give judgment."
" Yes, m'lud," said John, affected by the
very legal state of the atmosphere.
" I'm a person of rank," said the Chancler-
pillar.
"What rank?" said John, agreeably sur-
prised at this communicativeness.
" Rank Protectionism," said the Chancier-
pillar, with a little chuckle.
This was much more amusing, and John
thought after all he might pick up something
worth knowing. For some minutes the Chan-
clerpillar dozed on its comfortable perch, but
at last it stretched its arms and said, "So you
think you're changed, do you ? "
"Well, I'm afraid I must be," said John,
"because what so many people say must be
true. I don't seem to be able to remember
things, for all the history I learnt at school
100 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
seems to be wrong, and I don't seem to be the
same size for ten minutes together ! "
"Can't remember what things?" said the
Chanclerpillar.
"Well, whenever I try to say, ' Hoiv doth
the little busy bee,' it is always 'How doth our
pushful Joey C.,! "John replied mournfully.
"Try ' You are old, Father William?" said
the Chanclerpillar.
So John began —
A CHANCLERPILLAR GIVES ADVICE 101
-2/<fc^//»
t^4
FATHER JOSEPH STANDS ON HIS HEAD
" You are old, Father Joseph" the young man said,
" Though your head doesn't show any white,
And yet you incessantly stand on your head.
Do you think at your age it is right ? "
" In my youth," Father Joseph replied to his son,
"/ thought it might give me a pain,
But now that I know it's so easily done,
Why, I do it again and again.''
102
JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
FATHER JOSEPH TURNS A SOMERSAULT
" You are old" said the lad, as he looked at his sire,
" Though you haven't by laughing grown fat,
Yet your wonderful somersaults keep getting higher, —
Pray, what is the inside of that ? "
" In my Radical days',' said the Sage, with a sneer,
" ' Take it all lying down ' was my motto.
I've abandoned that now, though, for many a year,
And in consequence, see where I've got to.'
A CHANCLER PILLAR GIVES ADVICE 103
FATHER JOSEPH CLEARS THE PLATTER
" You are old" said the lad, " and to tell you the truth,
Your cheek grows remarkably hollow;
Yet you ve eaten the speeches you made in your youth, —
Pray how do you manage the swallow ? "
'■ Ever since I' said the father, " the year y8§
I've had ' what I have said' as my diet.
Though unpleasant at first, still I've managed to thrive:
You yourself may one day have to try it."
104
JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
FATHER JOSEPH BALANCES STATISTICS
You are old" said the son, "one would hardly suppose
That your I was as potent as ever,
Yet you balance statistics till nobody knows
What they lead to — what makes you so clever ? "
"/ suppose it must just be a family trait','
Said his father, " so give yourself airs,
And maybe — who knows ? — on some future fine day,
As a peer they may kick you upstairs!"
A CHANCLERPILLAR GIVES ADVICE 105
" That is not said right," said the Chancier-
pillar.
" Of course it isn't," said John. " I told you
I couldn't remember thing's."
" You are dead wrong- from beginning- to
end," said the Chanclerpillar, as it settled itself
for a short snooze.
It woke up as usual with a question.
"What size would you like to be ? " it asked.
" Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir,
if you wouldn't mind," said John, "than Mr.
Chamberlain makes me. Six inches is such a
wretched height to be."
" It's a splendid height," said the Chancler-
pillar angrily, for six inches was a good deal
more than its own heig-ht.
" But I'm not used to being so small,"
pleaded John. " You see, it's such a sudden
change, for all these years they've never left
off telling" me what a fine fellow I was."
" Well, you'll get used to it in time," said
the Chanclerpillar ; and it put the cigar back
into its mouth and went on smoking' again.
Just then the March Hare came bustling up
as if he had something important to say and
106 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
wished to say it as quickly as possible, for fear
that if he didn't get it over and done with he
would never get it said at all.
" Would you be so very kind, Mr. Chancier-
pillar," he began briskly, but that was all he
ever got the chance of saying, for before he
could get any farther the Chanclerpillar, in
the blandest possible way, broke in with —
" Don't worry, my dear Arthur," it said, with
a smile. " I wouldn't for the world add to your
worries by making you find someone to take
my place."
" Thank you so much," said the March Hare
meekly; but John, as he moved away, could
not help thinking that he heard the March
Hare (who looked very flushed and discomfited)
mutter under his breath, " Bunkered again."
But that may only have been his fancy, for
he had not nearly got used to all the strange
sights and sounds he saw and heard in the
Fiscal Wonderland.
CHAPTER X
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT
JOHN was only too glad when at last he
got out of the field where the two Knights
had fought, and once out in the road he hurried
back from the country as fast as his legs would
carry him.
He was very much happier when once again
he was amongst streets and houses and shops,
but he had not been there long before it was
only too evident that something very much
out of the ordinary was happening. All the
people seemed to be hurrying one way, and
to be wearing pictures in their buttonholes.
" Portrait of the grite man," shouted a
girl whom John remembered to have seen
selling flowers, as she tried to pin in John's
coat a button with a picture of the Mad Hatter
on it.
John had only just succeeded in warding oft
107
108
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
this attack when a second gfirl tried to make
him buy another kind of button with what
looked like two loaves on it.
John would have neither, and as he wondered
what it all meant he suddenly came upon his
old friend the White Rabbit, this time as a
sandwichman. There he was, with a Tin
Soldier, parading the streets with this curious
announcement : —
THE BIG FIGHT SANDWTCHMEN
John was half inclined to ask the White
Rabbit what it was all about, but he remembered
how excited and angry he had got when they
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT
109
last met, and on second thoughts decided not
to.
It was very puzzling, though, not to know
what was going on, and John was on the point
of asking the first policeman he met, when
suddenly a large Bird alighted at his side.
THE SECRETARY-BIRD
It was the kind that John had seen drawn
in books, called the Secretary- Bird. It wore
a knowing look, there were lots of quill pens
stuck over its head, it carried a large note-
book under one wing-, and its head was hinged
on like the lid of a fancy ink-bottle.
110 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
"Going to the Tournament?" said the Bird.
"Oh! it's a Tournament, is it?" said John,
relieved that at all events he was beginning to
find out something.
" Of course it is," said the Bird. " I thought
everybody knew that."
"Well, you see," said John, " I've only just
come up from the country."
"That's the worst of the provinces," said
the Bird, "they're so slow."
John thought that there was such a thing as
being too quick — for a motor rushed past them
at the moment, going at what seemed to be
about sixty miles an hour ; but he did not want
to offend the Bird, and he did want to find
out more about the Tournament, so what he
said was, " What sort of Tournament is it ? "
"A Fiscal Tournament, of course," said the
Bird.
" I might have known," groaned John, for
when he reflected he remembered that he was
in the Fiscal Wonderland.
"The Mad Hatter," continued the Bird,
" has issued a challenge to all the world to
meet him in single combat."
• THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 111
This helped John a great deal, for now he
knew why the flower-girl had tried to make
him buy and wear the button. He thought it
would be rather fun to see the Hatter on a
horse, but he was rather afraid he wouldn't be
able to get in.
"All the tickets are gone," he said, "I
suppose, by this time."
" Of course they are," said the Bird. At
this John's face fell, but it added, "Would you
like to see it ?"
" Very much," said John. " You see, I once
had tea with the Hatter."
"Oh! I didn't know you were a personal
friend," said the Bird (John didn't know that
either exactly). " In that case I think I could
get you in."
"Thank you very much," said John, "but
I'm afraid I'm giving you a lot of trouble."
" Not at all," said the Bird condescendingly.
" I'm going to the Press Box to report the
Tournament for my paper. There will be
plenty of room for you — you're not very big,
you know — and you'll be able to see and hear
everything."
112 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" If you're sure I'm not inconveniencing you,"
said John.
Here the Bird looked at its watch and
hurriedly said, "But we mustn't waste time
talking. It begins in a quarter of an hour,
and we mustn't be late."
They hurried on, and as they got near where
the Tournament was to be held the place had
all the appearance of a huge fair. Only those
who had tickets could get in to the Tournament,
but there were tens of thousands of people,
nearly all wearing buttons, who had come out
to cheer the various champions as they made
their way to the place of combat. All those
who wore Hatter buttons were made to keep
on one side of the road, and all with loaf
buttons on the other. On the latter side
there were great booths labelled " Free Trade
Union" and "Unionist Free Food League."
At first John thought this meant that you
could have a meal for nothing, but one of the
attendants at the booth explained that this was
not so, and all John got was a handful of leaflets.
Across the way all the banners had the word
" Consistent " on them. Over the booth
r
.. THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 113
labelled " Imperial Tariff Committee," for in-
stance, a flag fluttered " Consistent, Birming-
ham." Another immense booth was called
"Tariff Reform League," and here there were
orators standing on stumps of trees, each with
a crowd around him.
" I suppose we haven't time," said John, " to
hear what they are saying."
" If you're very quick of hearing, we have,"
said the Bird. " Besides," it added, " it may
be good copy."
This was quite unintelligible to John, but he
didn't mind so long as he could listen to what
was said. This is what the orator was saying —
' Tis the Voice of the Trader : I heard him declare,
" They have done me qtiite brown and its beastly unfair'.'
Like a crocodile sobbing so he crieth sore
Of the boots and the buttons he makes now no more.
When the orders are thick lie will hardly say thankee,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Yankee ;
But when the wind changes and tariffs abound,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.
" I wish everything wasn't so like and yet
so different," said John, who felt certain that he
knew the poem.
114 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
"Oh! if you're going to talk," said the Bird
— so John said no more, and the orator on the
stump proceeded —
I passed by his factory and marked with my eye,
How two Eagles were sticking their claws in his pie ;
The German got crumbs as his share of the treat,
While the Yankee just collared a second-hand fleet.
When the Lion had finished the pie, with a frown
He settled himself for a sleep, lying down,
While the Hatter, who used an enormous long spoon,
Stirred him up
He had got thus far when a bell sounded.
"The saddling bell," said the Bird, and off
he started, John hurrying after him.
The Bird evidently represented some im-
portant paper, for after it had whispered some-
thing to the doorkeeper John was allowed to
enter, though he had no ticket. In another
minute the Bird and John were sitting in the
front row of an enclosure labelled " Press Box."
At first John felt rather shy at being with so
many birds, but that soon wore off, and he
found himself thinking how lucky he was to
have such a good place where he could see so
well.
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT
11,
What he saw was a large open space of turf,
with barriers on either side. Inside the barriers
were men and women standing, packed like
herrings in a barrel, whilst at the back of the
crowds were huge stands, very much like those
TREASURY BOX
John remembered having seen at Epsom a.id
Newmarket in his own countrv.
Here, too, the spectators took different sides
according to the side they took, and there
were lots of boxes, each having a label on
it. On the Hatter's side, for instance, the
"Treasury Box" contained the March Hare,
116 JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
and a little boy, the very image of the Hatter.
John felt sure this must be the Hatter's son,
and sure enough, when later on the fighting
began, the little fellow kept clapping his little
hands and saying, " Go it, father ; I do so
admire you."
Another box on the same side was called
the " Large Type Box." This was so puzzling
that John ventured to ask the Bird for an
explanation.
"The people in that box," said the Bird,
"are the people who, when they write to the
Times, have their letters printed in large type.
That " (and as he spoke he pointed with his
pen) "is Mr. Benjamin Kidd." He named
several others, but what interested John most
was to see a bird in this box.
" But who's the bird ? " said John.
"That's a great secret," said the Bird, "but
I don't mind telling you if you promise to
keep the secret. That's ' Tariff Reformer.'
On the side of those who were against the
Hatter there were boxes labelled " Professors'
Box " (in which sat fourteen very learned-look-
ing gentlemen, all dressed in cap and gown, with
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 117
a fifteenth squeezed in at the back, standing)
and " Ex-Chancellors' Box." There were
four people in this second box, all of great
experience. One of them, later on, actually
fought the Hatter, and two others made it
very clear that they agreed with him in doing
so. But the fourth kept trying not to be seen,
and whenever he did catch sight of the March
Hare he always kissed his hand to him.
One other box interested John exceedingly.
It was labelled the " Bad Old Times Box,"
and was full of very old men and women,
nearly all of them agricultural labourers in
smock - frocks, and their womenfolk. The
Bird explained to John that these had come
from all parts of the country, and were those
who remembered the time before the tax was
taken off corn, nearly sixty years ago.
By the time John had been able to notice all
this another bell rang, and as soon as it finished
clanging the White Rabbit rode into the
centre of the arena on an exceedingly aged
Cow. (The Bird told John that the Cow
was such a favourite of the Rabbit's that he
always rode it in preference to a Horse. In
118
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
fact, many people declared that he had ridden
it nearly to death.)
The Rabbit rang" a large bell and shouted
" Silence for the Great Man ! " three times.
THE WHITE RABBIT RIDES IN
As he ended in rode the Hatter. He was
received with great cheering by his own side,
many of whom (as John now noticed) wore
mail and spoke at express rate. The Hatter
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 119
was mounted on a spirited but rather screwy
horse, and rode slowly once round the ring,
after which he Hung down the gage (which
turned out to be a little loaf) and rode back
.to his tent to get his armour.
"Who dares," shouted the Rabbit (it wasn't
much of a shout, but it could be heard by every-
body), " to oppose our Joe ? "
" I do," said a Knight called Asquith, who
rode into the ring-.
"Let the champion appear," said the Rabbit.
The Hatter, now fully clad in his armour,
galloped in, but when he saw who his opponent
was gave a snort of contempt.
"Only a lawyer!" he shouted out, and with
that they fell to. It was quite a short en-
counter. The Hatter kept shifting his ground,
but once the lawyer Knight could get at him
he had no difficulty in unhorsing him.
There was great cheering from the Hatter's
opponents, but he wasn't in the least abashed.
" I did come off well that time, didn't I ?" he
said to his supporters, as he rode back to his
tent, at which they cheered with almost un-
controllable enthusiasm.
120 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
''Who dares to oppose our Joe?" the chal-
lenge rang out again — as much, that is to say,
as the Rabbit's voice could make it ring.
This time it was a Knight named Goschen
— one of the four whom John had seen in the
ex-Chancellors' Box.
The Hatter rode up, but in quite a different
suit of armour, for his first suit had been
smashed to little bits in his first combat.
" Only a skeleton ! " was his genial comment
this time as the two combatants fell to. The
result was precisely the same. The Skeleton
Knight, though a veteran, showed such skill
and deftness in conflict that the Hatter in a very
short time was on the ground for a second time.
He took it just as coolly, saying to his crowd,
precisely as on the first occasion, " I did come off
well that time, didn't I ?" the crowd cheering
him for all the world just as if he had wron.
A third time the challenge rang forth, and
this time in the challenger John recognised
Twee-C.-B. When the Hatter saw who it
was he rode back to his tent, and when he
came out it was seen that he was wearing a
feather in his cap.
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 121
Twee-C.-B. looked such a genial warrior
that John was amazed to see the Hatter grow
white with anger.
"Only a Little Englander!" the Hatter
shouted at the top of his voice.
"Well, let's see which is the better man,"
saner out A Voice.
&
This led to great cheering and counter cheer-
ino-. The two Kniohts were at it before the
echoes had died away, but the result was never
in doubt. The Hatter, despite an entirely
different set of argumentative armour, was
easily floored. Even he seemed rather crest-
fallen, but he made his customary remark and
it got the customary cheer.
As John felt certain would be the case, the
next champion to enter the lists was Tweedle-R.
" What a lot better he looks since he came
out of his furrow ! " said the Bird.
"His furrow?" repeated John, not under-
standings in the least.
"Yes," said the Bird. "Some time ago he
and Twee-C.-B. had a quarrel, and the end
of it was that Tweedle-R. went off and lived
in a Lonely burrow.''
122
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" It sounds as if he had been ploughed,"
said John.
" I'm not sure that he hadn't," said the
Bird; "he would keep on examining himself,
you know."
IE MAD HATTER FIGHTS TWEEDLE-R.
There was no time to pursue the topic
further, because by this time the Knights were
ready for the fray. Tweedle-R. was beautifully
arrayed in Imperialistic armour, whilst this
time the Hatter had a wonderful suit composed
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 123
of nothing but pearl buttons, all specially made
(so the rumour ran in the crowd) at Birmingham
by the few remaining survivors of that decayed
industry.
." Ti'nplates and personalities, indeed," was
the Hatter's polite greeting this time. The
fight was a very graceful one. Tweedle-R.
did not seem to exert himself, but in the
most felicitous way possible got at the Great
Man, whose supporters were growing visibly
anxious. Nor was that anxiety lessened when
in another moment he was sprawling on the
turf.
" Are you going to take it lying down ? " said
A Voice.
There was a great shout of laughter, which
completely drowned what the Hatter said to
his side of the arena, though as they cheered
it was probably the same old shibboleth.
In the next and (as it proved) the last of
these single combats the Hatter's opponent
was a Knight named Lord George. As he
rode into the arena a shout of mocking welcome
greeted him from the Hatter's supporters.
" Well, he must fancy himself" ; " Cheek I call
124 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
it"; "He will get it" — these were some of
the cries which showed how certain they made
the Hatter would have an easy victory.
Certainly he did not look a very redoubtable
adversary, and even amongst the Hatter's
opponents there was a shaking of heads as if
they rather thought that this time the Hatter
might not come out second best.
The prospect of a more equal encounter
intensified the excitement, and if pins ever
made a noise when they drop on turf, you
might have heard one drop as the two — the
Hatter and Lord George — sat and glared at
one another.
"Now we shan't be long," said the Hatter,
and he was quite right. For of all the
champions none acquitted himself more re-
doubtably than did Lord George. " Well, I
am surprised " ; " Never knew it was in him " ;
" That's the way to take care of your friends "
— these were some of the delighted greetings
of the crowd as they saw the Hatter get per-
haps the most sorry beating he had had. The
White Rabbit had to go and help him on to
his horse, and all he could say as he rode to his
THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT
V2:>
tent was, " I came off better than ever that
time."
I CAME OFF BETTER THAN EVER
There were lots of other Knights ready to
fight the Hatter, but it was now announced that
there would be no more single combats, but that
there would be a general encounter between a
dozen champions on either side. By this time
it was getting dark, and John looked up to find
the names of the warriors flashed on to a
screen.
126 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
This is what he read : —
THE HATTER'S PROPOSALS
GENERAL MELEE
Pro.
The Mad Hatter.
The White Knight.
The Chanclerpillar.
The Chaplin.
The White Rabbit.
The Tin Soldier.
Sherlock Holmes.
Dumpy Jim Lowther.
The "Daily Mail."
The "Daily Express."
The Editor of The
" Times."
Mr. Benjamin Kidd.
Con.
(Tweedle-R.
(Twee-C.-B.
The Dormouse.
The Asquith Knight.
Lord George.
TheSkeleton Knight.
The Knight of Mal-
wood.
The Ritchie Knight.
Sunny Jim (of Here-
ford).
The Grey Knight.
The Fowler.
St. Augustine
Birrell.
John recognised a good many old friends, as
well as some whom he had seen for the first
time fighting that day. The rest were explained
to him by the Bird. Sherlock Holmes was
righting for the Hatter because nobody else
had even a chance (let alone an even chance)
♦ THE FISCAL TOURNAMENT 127
of discovering who was to benefit by his pro-
posals. Dumpy Jim was a bosom friend of the
Chaplin's ; they had hunted in couples all their
life. The Daily Mail and Daily Express were
paper Knights who fought because they were
advised that it was good for their circulation.
The editor of the Times thought the Hatter's
O
plan could not fail to make people want to
consult the Encyclopedia Britannica to try
to discover (if possible) its meaning. Mr.
Benjamin Kidd was in the Hatter's dozen
because he was such a staunch Liberal.
On the other side, of those whom John did
not know, the Knight of Mai wood was a
veteran Knight who never lingered by his fire-
side in the New Forest when a blow could be
struck for Free Trade. The Ritchie Knioht
John recognised at once as the man who had
driven the Hatter mad — he had seen him, too,
in the ex-Chancellors' Box. Sunny Jim (of
Hereford) was another veteran who was always
ready for a fight against any sort of corruption.
The Grey Knight looked very young, but had
already won renown by his skill in tackling men
as well as fishes. The Fowler came from the
128 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
Hatter's country, but was quite sure that this
time he really was mad. St. Augustine Birrell
was a Knight who, though he thought the pen
misfhtier than the sword, knew right well how
to wield both to good purpose.
By the time the Bird had given John all this
information, and answered John's numerous
questions, the fight was in full swing. There
is no need to describe it, as it was only a
repetition on a larger scale of all the single
combats that had preceded it. Even the
Dormouse, who was asleep during the first few
minutes, woke up and got in a number of
astonishingly straight blows, most of them at
the Hatter himself. The Mail and Express
threw any amount of ink in the hope that some
of it would stick, but the crowd easily saw
through such peculiar tactics. Dumpy Jim was
no match for Sunny Jim, though they were
both first-class fighting men. As the fight pro-
ceeded the Hatter got madder and madder,
and John was wondering what would happen
to him and to the White Rabbit, who wept
bitterly, when gradually the immense cloud
of dust kicked up in the course of the con-
THE GENERAL MELEE
130 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
troversy entirely blotted out the fight from his
view.
" I'm off," said the Bird. " I'm going to get
back and write it all up for my paper."
" Write it all down, I suppose you mean,"
said John ; but the Bird was in no mood for
more explanations, and hurried on without
answering.
" Thank you so much for your kindness ; I
shall never forget it," said John ; but the Bird
was out of sight, and John could see nothing,
whilst all he could hear was shouts in the
distance of "The trial's beginning."
" Come on," said the Pig, against whom John
suddenly stumbled. The Pig caught hold of
John by the hand, greatly to his relief, for he
began to be afraid that this time he really was
lost.
"What trial is it?" said John as clearly as
he could between his breaths as they ran ; but
the Pig only said, " Forward," singing as he
went (it was wonderful how he managed to have
so much breath, for he was as fat as could be) —
Ma — aize of the mo — mo — morning,
Beautiful, beautiful )uaize !
CHAPTER XI
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES?
^HE King and Queen of Spades (who
-*■ looked exactly like a workman and his
wife in John Bull's own country) were seated
on the throne when they arrived, with a great
crowd assembled in court — all sorts of weird
creatures, as well as the whole pack of cards ;
the Mad Hatter (who turned out to be the
Knave of Spades) was standing before them,
with two young-looking soldiers on each side to
guard him ; and near the King was the White
Rabbit, with a trumpet (his own) in one hand
and a large roll in the other. In the very
middle of the court was a table, with a large
number of loaves upon it ; it made John quite
hunorv to look at them.
John had often been in a court of justice
belore, but never in one quite like this. The
132 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
twelve jurors, all of them registered electors,
were all writing- very busily on their slates
(some of them very dirty ones). " What are
they all doing?" John whispered to the Pig.
" They can't want to write anything down yet
before the trial's becrun."
"They're putting down their politics," the
Pig whispered in reply, " for fear they should
forget what they are before the end of the
trial."
" Free and independent, indeed," John said
in a loud, angry voice, but he stopped g'uiltily,
for the White Rabbit cried out, " Silence in the
court ! " and the King put on his spectacles and
looked anxiously round to see who was daring
to talk.
John could see quite well that all the jurors
were writing down " Free and independent " on
their slates, and some of them had heard so
much talk about different sorts of trade that
they actually didn't know how to spell "free"
and wrote down "fair." "A nice muddle and
mess their slates will be in before the trial's
over," thought John.
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES?
133
" Herald, read the accusation," said the King-
solemnly.
The White Rabbit took up his trumpet and
■"^mmwmw^
THE WHITE RABBIT AS HERALD
tried to blow it. At first he could not get any
sound out of it.
At last, however, by a great effort there
134 JOHN BULLS ADVENTURES
came a ghostlike blast, but to the great amaze-
ment of the Court it was only
'' Three Acres and a Cow."
The Mad Hatter looked madder than ever at
this, and the White Rabbit tremblingly began
to explain.
" If you please, your Majesty," he said, " my
horn has been frozen for nearly twenty years,
and now that it is thawed the old words have
to come out first.''
"Where was the horn made?" said the
King.
"In Binning " but before he had time
to finish the word the Queen interrupted him
by saying, " It's always the way with them
Brummagem things."
The White Rabbit was so flurried and
flustered that everybody saw he couldn't go on
being Herald, so the King directed the Tin
Soldier to take his place.
The new Herald gave three long, low
whistles, and then proceeded to unroll the
scroll, which proved to be an enormous
envelope bearing this curious inscription : —
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES?
135
TRADE AND THE EMPIRE.
If you Want to know What the KnaVe
of Spades has done read the enclosed.
CONSISTENT
BIRMINGHAM.
MADE IN GERMANY.
Having opened it, he unrolled the leaflet
which he found inside, and read as follows —
The Queen of Spades, she baked some loaves
All on her washing day ;
The Knave of Spades, he stole those loaves
A nd took them quite away !
" Consider your verdict," said the Hatter,
as soon as he heard this read out.
"Not vet," said the Kino-; "there's a great
deal to come before that."
" Call the prisoner," said the King. And
136 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
the Tin Soldier whistled three times and called
out, "The prisoner."
This procedure puzzled John very much
until one of the court cards explained that in
the Fiscal Wonderland the defence always came
before the prosecution, and that prisoners were
allowed to give evidence themselves, as, indeed,
John remembered, they now do in his own
country.
The Hatter came into the witness-box with
a subscription list in one hand and a leaflet in
the other. " I beg pardon, your Majesty," he
began, " for bringing these here, but I hadn't
quite finished my Committee meeting when
I was arrested and brouo-ht here."
" You ought to have finished," said the King.
" When did you begin ? "
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who
was in court sitting arm in arm with the
Dormouse. " Fourteenth of May I think it
was," he said.
" Fifteenth," said the March Hare.
" I read about it on the sixteenth," added the
Dormouse.
"Write that down," said the Kino- to the
o
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES? 137
jury, and the jury at once wrote down all these
dates on their slates, and then added them up
in quinquennial periods and set out the result
in imports and exports.
"Where did vou o-et that hat?" the King-
said to the Hatter, in a peculiar sing-song voice,
as if it were part of a tune.
" It came from abroad," said the Hatter.
"Dumped !" the King exclaimed, turning to
the jury, who instantly wrote down the word,
though they hadn't an idea what it meant.
" I bought the hat," added the Hatter, by
way of explanation, " in my free-trading days.
I haven't wanted a new one since."
Here, since the question was one of hats, the
Queen seemed very interested, and stared hard
at the Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.
"Give your evidence," said the King, "and
don't shuffle about so much, or I'll have you
exported on the spot."
This seemed to disconcert the witness a Q-ood
deal ; he kept shifting from one foot to the
other, and in his confusion made a lot of
corrections in the subscription list, instead of
the leaflet.
138 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
Just at this moment John discovered that he
was growing- large again. At first he thought
of leaving the court, but on second thoughts
decided to see the trial through, as long as
there was room in the court.
" I wish you wouldn't squeeze so," said the
Dormouse, who was sitting next to him ; "I can
hardly sleep a wink."
" I can't help it," said John ; "I'm growing."
"You've no right to grow," said the Hatter,
who overheard the conversation. (He wasn't
a very polite Hatter.) " I've told everybody
you're in a decline."
" Don't talk nonsense," said John, annoyed
at being lectured by the prisoner.
" It's no sense the way you're squeezing me"
said the Dormouse, as he got up and chose a
fresh seat as far away as he could from John.
All this time the Oueen had never left off
staring at the Hatter, and now she said all at
once to one of the whips, " Bring me a list of
the members of the last Liberal Government,"
on which the Hatter trembled so that he almost
turned his coat.
"Give your evidence," the King repeated
WHO STOLE THE LOAVES? 1^9
angrily, "or I'll have you exported, whether
you're a Privy Councillor or not."
" I'm a patriotic man, your Majesty," the
Hatter began in an assertive voice, " and I
hadn't started my Committee — not above
Austen and Jesse — and what with the Educa-
tion Act working- so thin — and the War
Commission coming it so thick — and the
cristlino- of the sea "
" The cristling of the what ?" said the King.
" I begin with a C," the Hatter replied.
"Of course cristlino- begins with a C," said
the King sharply, "but this isn't a spelling
bee, sir ! Go on ! "
" I'm a patriotic man," the Hatter went on,
"and most things crystalled after that — and
the March Hare quite agreed "
" I didn't," the March Hare interrupted in a
great hurry.
"You did," said the Hatter.
" I mean, I did," said the March Hare,
who seemed afraid of disagreeing with the
Hatter.
" He admits it," said the King to the jury ;
"be sure you put that down."
140 JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
" After that," the Hatter went on, " all the
rest went off to the inquest "
"But what did you do?" said one of the
jury.
"Oh, I began to write leaflets," said the
Hatter, and proceeded to hand one to each of
the jury. Oddly enough, the Tin Soldier
actually helped him to do it until this skilful
game was stopped by the King, in a very
stern voice, ordering all the leaflets to be im-
pounded.
That was a very hard word, which made John
Bull wonder what would happen, but all that
did happen was that the leaflets were collected
and q"iven to the Kino- and Oueen, who im-
mediately began to study them intently.
One that was headed " The Cost of Living"
seemed to excite the Queen very much, and at
last, when she had read it through, she said,
" You'd soon know about the cost of living; if
you had to feed as many mouths as I have."
Here a dozen or so of children who were in
court cheered heartily, they were so excited at
hearing their mother make such a long speech
in public.
*• WHO STOLE THE LOAVES? 141
" The figures are all wrong," said the King
sternly.
"Of course they are," said the Hatter, "but
then, you see, the figures are only illustrations.
I do not pretend that they are proofs ; the
proofs will be found in the argument, and not
in the figures. But I use figures as illustrations
to show what the argument is."
The Tin Soldier and the White Rabbit
(who had crept back into court) made an
attempt at a cheer, but it was a very feeble one.
What the King said was, " If that's all you
can say, you may stand down."
" I can't go no lower," said the Hatter ;
" I've played it pretty low down as it is
already."
"Then you must take it lying down," said
the King, with a chuckle, as if by saying that
he in some way scored off the prisoner.
As it was. the Hatter was put back into the
dock, where he was again taken charge of by
the two soldiers (whose names were Winston
and Hugh) after an unsuccessful attempt had
been made to rescue the Hatter bv some ill-
J
favoured loafers, who shouted all the time,
142 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
" Shall the Radicals be allowed to attack our
Joe?"
" Call the next witness," said the King.
John watched the Tin Soldier as he fumbled
over the list, feeling very interested to know
who the next witness would be — "for they
haven't made much of a defence yet," he said
to himself. Great was his surprise when the
Tin Soldier looked at him and said, with an air
of immense authority, "John Bull!"
CHAPTER XII
JOHN BULL'S EVIDENCE
HERE," said John, quite forgetting how
much bigger than the rest he was, and
he jumped up in such a hurry that he com-
pletely upset the jury-box. Over they went
into the court, slates and all, and they had to
be collected and put back into their places,
though they none of them got their own slates
again, with the result that they got more and
more muddled as the trial proceeded.
" What do you know about this business?"
the King said to John.
" Everything," said John.
" Everything imaginable?" said the King.
" Everything real and imaginable," said John.
"That's not true," said the March Hare
from the bodv of the court.
This caused a great commotion, but when
the Tin Soldier had got some sort oi order
143
144 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
again the March Hare added, " He hasn't
seen my second pamphlet."
" That's quite true, your Majesty," said John,
who had grown wonderfully self-possessed,
"but I know what's in it."
The March Hare hurriedly felt his pocket.
" It's only one of the Hatter's leaflets," said
John, "with all the short words taken out and
long ones put in in their place."
This led to a regular scene. A Wicket-
keeper, saying that he's known the March
Hare all his life and had perfect faith in his
honour, tried to get at John Bull, and nearly
lost his own seat in consequence. Almost every-
body shouted something or other except the
March Hare, who, looking very flushed, kept
absolutely silent. It was whispered in court
that this was because he had nothing to say.
The King thought the only thing to do was
to finish the trial as quickly as possible. " Con-
sider your verdict," he said to the jury in a
low, trembling- voice.
" Please your Majesty," said the Tin Soldier,
" there's a witness waiting outside who's dread-
fully anxious to give evidence."
JOHN BULL'S EVIDENCE
145
" Let him appear," said the King, and all the
Court eagerly awaited the appearance of this
new witness.
The door opened, and then, to the amaze-
THE LEG OF MUTTON
ment of everybody, the court waiters brought
in a large dish with an enormous Leg ot
Mutton on it, and placed it on top of the
witness-box.
Without waiting to be introduced, the Leg
146 JOHN BULUS ADVENTURES
of Mutton got up and bowed to the King and
Queen, but before it had time to say anything
a great shout of laughter went up as everybody
saw who it was.
" Take it away," said the King, and away it
was carried, muttering as it went something
about the cold shoulder.
" Consider your verdict," said the King once
again.
" Please your Majesty," said the Tin Soldier,
"this paper has just been picked up."
"Another leaflet," said the Oueen.
" I haven't opened it yet," said the Tin
Soldier ; " but it seems to be a letter in the
prisoner's writing."
"Who is it directed to?" said one of the
jurymen.
" It hasn't got any direction," said the Tin
Soldier; "in fact, it isn't a letter, it's a set of
verses."
" And not in the Hatter's handwriting ?" said
the King.
"No," said the Tin Soldier ; ''and I know
his handwriting well."
JOHN BULKS EVIDENCE 147
"He must have forced somebody else's
hand," said the King.
" Please your Majesty," said the Hatter,
"you can't prove I wrote the verses. There's
no^ reason for what I did, and there can't be
any rhyme either."
The Tin Soldier and the White Rabbit
clapped their hands vigorously at this clever
repartee, but the Queen frowned and said, " I
think that proves his guilt."
" Nothing of the kind," said the Hatter
jauntily.
" Read the verses," said the King.
These were the verses which the Tin Soldier
read —
They told me when I made the stir,
You called and found him in ;
He gave me a good character,
But said I should not win.
They wondered all if I had gone
( We knew it to be true) ;
If I should push the matter on,
What ivould become of you ?
They hit me one, I hit them two,
You gave them three or more ;
They all returned from me to you,
Though most were mine before.
US JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
If you and I should chance to be
Involved by this affair,
Just trust to me to set you free
Exactly as we ivere.
My notion was that he had been
(Before I had this fit)
The obstacle that came between
You and ourselves and it.
Don't let them know you like me best,
For this must ever be
A secret kept from all the rest
Between yourself and me.
" That's the most damning piece of evidence
we've heard yet," said the King; "so now let
the jury "
" If any one of them," said the Hatter, grow-
ing desperate, "can explain it, I pledge myself
that his cost of living shall never be increased.
In fact" (and here he burst into song) —
" / pledge my word the Empire needs Protection ;
I pledge my word that through Protection we will
gain ;
I pledge my word that this will benefit the nation —
These are the words of foseph Chamberlain.
I assert that there isn't an atom of meaning
in it.
JOHN BULKS EVIDENCE 149
The jury all wrote down on each other's
slate : "He asserts there isn't an atom of
meaning in it."
" If there's no meaning in it," said the King,
"that would save a world of trouble. And yet
I don't know," he went on, holding up the
verses to the light. " I seem to see some
meaning in them after all — ' said I should not
win.' You can't win, can you?" he added,
%
turning to the Hatter.
The Hatter shook his head despairingly.
" I always say I can, but do I look like it?"
he said. (Which he certainly did not, being
entirely clad in fustian.)
"All right so far," said the King, and he
went on muttering through the verses : " ' If I
should push the matter on ' — that looks as if
it had something to do with pushfulness. ' They
hit me one, I hit them tzvo '—now, that must
mean something you did."
1 Yes," said the Dormouse in a rare interval
of wakefulness, "that's how he always used to
translate ' Bis dat qui cito dat.' "
" Quite so," said the King, delighted to have
his authority supported from such a very un-
150
JOHN BULKS ADVENTURES
expected quarter. " Let the jury consider their
verdict."
" No, no ! " shrieked the Hatter, growing
THE HATTER GOES TO PRISON
madder than ever. " Policy first, inquiry after-
wards."
"Stuff and nonsense!" said John. "The
idea of make-believing to inquire into what
you know beforehand ! "
JOHN BULKS EVIDENCE 151
" Hold your tongue ! " said the Hatter.
"I won't!" said John Bull.
" Off with his head ! " said the Hatter.
"Who cares for you?" said John Bull.
"Why, you're nothing but a Protectionist."
THE HATTER IN I'RISON
' Take him away," said the King and Queen
together in stern voices, and the two soldiers
at once led off the Mad Hatter to prison.
When he had gone the Tin Soldier and the
White Rabbit made a dash at John. He tried
to beat them off, and found himself in his arm-
152 JOHN BULL'S ADVENTURES
chair with Britannia beside him trying to keep
away the flies that buzzed around him.
" Wake up, John, dear," said Britannia.
"All right, Your Royal Highness," said
John Bull, only half awake.
"Royal Highness, indeed!" said Britannia.
" You have grown polite in your sleep."
"Oh! I've had such a real sort of adven-
ture," said John, seeing it was only Britannia,
and he told her all he could remember of his
doinos in the Fiscal Wonderland.
When he had finished his wife kissed him,
and said, "It was a bad dream, dear, certainly ;
you've only yourself to thank if it ever does
come true. But now come and have your
dinner ; it's getting" late."
So John went and dined wisely and well
(but not too well), thinking whilst he enjoyed
his dinner how fortunate he was to have such
good food, such cheap food, and such plenty
of it.
PLYMOUTH
WILLIAM BRENDON AND SON, PRINTERS
A CATALOGUE OF BOOKS
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PUBLISHERS : LONDON
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Fiction
33
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36
Messrs. Methuen's Catalogue
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Fiction
37
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THE VINTAGE.
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IN THE DAY OF ADVERSITY.
Mrs. Caffyn (Iota).
ANNE MAULEVERER.
Mrs. W. K. Clifford.
A Flash of Summer.
L. Cope Cornford.
Sons of Adversity
A. J. Dawson.
Daniel whvte.
Menie Muriel Dowie.
THE CROOK OF THE BOUGH.
Mrs. Dudeney.
The third floor.
Sara Jeannette Duncan.
A VOYAGE OF CONSOLATION.
G. Manville Fenn.
The Star <;azers.
Jane H. Findlater.
RACHEL.
Jane H. and Mary Findlater.
Tales that are Told.
J. S. Fletcher.
The paths of the Prudent.
Mary Gaunt.
Kirrham's Find.
Robert Hichens.
BYEVVAYS.
Emily Lawless.
HURRISH.
MAELCHO.
W. E. Norris.
Matthew Austin.
Mrs. Oliphant.
SIR ROBERT'S FORTUNE.
Mary A. Owen.
The Daughter of Alouette.
Mary L. Pendered.
AN ENGLISHMAN.
Morley Roberts.
The Plunderers.
R. N. Stephens.
an Enemy to the King.
Mrs. Walford.
Successors to the Title.
Percy White.
A Passionate Pilgrim.
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The Throne of David. By J. H. Ingraham.
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Peter Simple. By Captain Marryat.
MARY BARTON. By Mrs. Gaskell.
PRIDE AND Prejudice. By Jane Austen.
NORTH AND SOUTH. By Mrs. Gaskell.
JACOB FAITHFUL. By Captain Marryat.
SHIRLEY. By Charlotte Bronte.
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A State Secret. By B. M Croker.
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H andley Cross. By R. S. Surtees.
ANNE MAULEVERER. By Mrs. Caffyn.
The Adventurers. By H. B. Marriott Watson.
Dante's Divine Comedy. Translated by H. F.
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Master of Men. By E. P. Oppenheim.
THE TRAIL OF THE SWORD. By Gilbert Parker.
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